Previously on The Biggest Loser the trainers met their families and ate a whole bunch of unhealthy food and look, we’re all really interested in the show but IS TONY ABBOTT STILL PRIME MINISTER?

I’m writing this recap instead of popcorning the political happenings. Sigh.

Anyway, tonight we have our collection of new fatties weighing in for the very first time. No recordbreakers this year, by the sounds of it, but one is well up there. Johnee, probably? Does anyone think any of them could top him? Certainly not one of the girls, maybe one of the Jofre nephews?

Also we finally meet new host, Fiona Falkiner! She’s perrrrrrrrrrdy. She’ll be introducing the first challenge of the year, making their way to the new Camp Biggest Loser.

First group we see walking in to be weighed up is the Pestell family. They’re at the local surf club with a big crowd of onlookers/wellwishers. That’s got Mel a bit nervous because everyone’s going to know just how big she is. Jodie doesn’t really want to go in front of them at all.

Shannan says he’s enjoyed the company in the past week immensely, but the diet has been terrible. He’s most concerned for single Mum Ali and wants them to take control before the bad habits become too ingrained in the next generation.

Ali’s the first to weigh in.

Ali Start Weight: 130.2kg

She looks shattered but honestly, that seems a little light for her size? Maybe it’s the belly that’s throwing off the perception. She says she’s going to do this, for her family but especially for her daughter Tilly. She’ll never be going back to it, she promises Tilly. Poor little Tilly is in tears. It’s okay, Tilly. Shannan will get your Mum back on track!

Next up is Melissa.

Melissa Start Weight: 155.6kg

That seems more like what I would have thought Ali would weigh in at. She’s sick of being sad and lonely, so she wants to change and be proud of changing.

Terry Start Weight: 116.1kg

He says it’s too big, he shouldn’t be that big. He’s let his kids down. He tells us he should have stepped in earlier.

Last to weigh in is Jodie, the one who probably looks the biggest of them all.

Jodie Start Weight: 159kg

She feels ashamed, wants the platform to open beneath her and swallow her up. She’s one kilo away from being 160kg, it’s the biggest she’s ever been. Her boyfriend Anthony finds it hard to see her like that, so upset. Anthony’s got a ring for her but Melissa doesn’t want to go down the aisle at that size, she doesn’t want people staring at her. She’ll never be that size again, she promises. Anthony says he loves her. Awww!

Jofres next! Not sure where they’re at but there’s a big crowd turnout to watch them all weigh in. Catalina, the Mum of the three nephews, is there too.

All four of them are pretty big lads but I don’t think there’s going to be any really big numbers here.

Rob Start Weight: 158.6kg

Rob doesn’t seem too upset but he tells us in a side bit that he feels disgusted. Amelia seems to have no idea of the gravity of the situation, standing in front of the scales and giggling.

Daniel Start Weight: 132kg

Catalina’s in tears, hand over mouth.

Tony Start Weight: 130.3kg

Tony says his Mum is obviously distraught.

Pablo Start Weight: 158.8kg

Just pipped his uncle, if only that was something to be proud of! Mish asks him what he sees on his Mum’s face to try and trick him into crying. Catalina just wants her boys to be happy, they’re her life. Pablo thinks this is his final chance to achieve something.

Hailwood time. Lots of people have turned up to a random backyard somewhere! Tiffiny says she loved getting to know the family, but it’s time for them to start the change they need, etc.

Sam’s weighing in first. Probably the smallest? Shortest, definitely!

Sam Start Weight: 109.3kg

She knows it’s way too much and it’s impacting on her daughter’s life. It’s up to them to give her daughter the best possible start to life and they’re not doing it right now. But they’ll beat it together, she promises Cliff.

Cliff’s next, as it happens!

Cliff Start Weight: 191kg

Wow, didn’t think he’d be that big. They’re going to be fit, healthy and active and life happily ever after.

Kayla Start Weight: 110.5kg

Sylvia says she’s the big sister, she’s meant to protect her sisters from this stuff. She’s weighing in last.

Sylvia Start Weight: 141.7kg

She instantly breaks into tears but manages to compose herself enough to read out the weight. Aaron, Sylvia’s husband, looks pretty shocked too. Sylvia thinks she’s not a mother but Aaron says she’s amazing, even if she can’t see it. He’ll look after the kids while she’s gone, don’t worry about them. She swears to her kids they’ll do everything they’ve always wanted when she comes back. Swimming, bushwalking, camping, everything!

Auvales, step up! Great turn out for them, too. They’re all nervous.

Tenealle’s first up. She’s married to Johnee. She can barely step onto the scales at all, poor thing.

Tenealle Start Weight: 134kg

They’re trying to have a baby but they’re not healthy and she doesn’t feel attractive to her husband. Johnee reckons she’d be the best Mum in the world because the house is always full of babies, it’s just other people’s babies. After the show, he says, it will be full of his babies! Tenealle smiles at that.

Rina Start Weight: 155.8kg

Rina says that maybe she’ll have a sexy body when they see her next.

Moses Start Weight: 122kg

Moses says he’s going to have to work hard to get his sexy body going too, he doesn’t want Rina to leave him. He’s seen the way she hugs Commando. Hah!

But Moses is really worried about Johnee’s weight, even more than his own. Moses reckons he’s about 90% responsible for Johnee’s weight. They weren’t always close but they are now.

Johnee Start Weight: 215.7kg

Woof, not the biggest ever contestant but that is way up there. I remember back in Season 1 there were serious questions raised over a nearly 200kg contestant. We’ve come a long way, baby!

Johnee doesn’t want to give them a sad story, he doesn’t feel depressed or anything, honestly. He says he’s going to be a different kind of challenge for Commando Steve, but he needs the help and Steve promises he’ll be there for him every step of the way. Steve tells us he’s looking forward to seeing if Johnee can back up all his talk.

After another ad break all the families are rocking up to a drag strip for their first challenge. Nobody is sure what to expect, which is exactly what WE expect from the contestants every time they arrive somewhere for a challenge.

The Jofre boys think Cliff from the Hailwoods will be a big competitor, because he’s so tall and big!

Lots of “big threat” talk going on and then Johnee turns sideways to shuffle towards the three teams who arrived first and starts goofing off. Many giggles all round, great way to break the tension!

And then… PRINCESS FIONA! She’s walking down the middle of the drag strip and everyone’s mumbling, is that her? The girl from The Biggest Loser? Really? Yes!

We get a replay of Fiona’s very first weigh in. 101kg. Positively skinny compared to the current crop. And some footage of original trainer Jillian! Remember her? Michelle is better.

Fiona recalls her battle with weight and self esteem. She tells them what they’re going to face won’t be easy but if they give it everything they’ve got, they can get their lives back on track. Remember why you’re there and what brought you to this point. This is the starting point for their new life. Fiona says it worked for her and she knows it can work for them.

But now it’s down to business! Time for an epic race to kick off the season. New house this year, so their first challenge is to find it. And you’ll want to be first, as the first family to arrive gets immunity from the very first elimination. That’s gotta be handy!

There’s four cars on the track, one for each family. 100m down the track is a car with just 10 minutes drive time. 250m car has 15 minutes. 500m car has 20 minutes. 1km away? 30 minutes of drive time.

Inside each car are instructions on how to get to their destination and each car is, of course, fitted with a state of the art GPS system.

Which they’re not allowed to use, Fiona informs them with glee. They’ll have an old school street directory. When their driving time is up the driver will simply pull to the side and they’ll have to use their wits to get the rest of the way to Camp.

Ready, set, go!

Red take an early lead, white following along not far behind. Black is behind the main pack but most are ahead of Blue who make an interesting decision – taking the closest car, with just 10 minutes driving time. Will getting in a car sooner help them?

The first instruction tells them to get into Sydney, The Rocks, where they’ll find further instructions in a telephone booth. And they get $80 to cover their costs. Calling an Uber is presumably out of the question?

Moses is taking charge of the Black team because he’s the eldest and that’s how the family works, Johnee tells us.

The Red Team are knackered when they get to the third car and decide to give in and take that. Bet you’re regretting all those ciggies now, boys!

Rob’s confident in navigating his way around as he’s a truck driver. But they know they don’t have enough time in the car to get there.

White finally make it to the final car but Sylvia’s body has gone into rebellion and is barfing up breakfast all over the place. Welcome to Biggest Loser!

Johnee wants to blow all the money on getting to The Rocks but his wife is having none of that. Contingency plans, what if they need to go further, she rightly points out. Obviously the brains of that operation!

The Pestells are aiming for the nearest suburb and hoping to get better directions from there. Some locals tell them a taxi is probably the easiest option and they’ll call one for them. But it looks like it might take a while to arrive…

Jofres are running out of drive time. They seem to be on a freeway of some kind which the driver surely wouldn’t stop on. So then they get stuck in a random place in Sydney, with the plan to catch a bus into the city because they can’t see any taxis. Yeah, good luck on the bus! If it ever arrives it probably won’t go where you want.

The Hailwoods arrive in the arse end of nowhere so Kayla rushes off to a nearby house to ask to borrow a phone to call a taxi. Do people even let other people borrow a phone anymore? We’re all scared!

They get lucky with a friendly stranger and order a taxi. So maybe a good idea?

Moses gets the idea to do some singing in a local cafe and manages to raise a little extra money. And then a maxi-taxi arrives to carry them onwards!

Meanwhile the Pestells are still waiting around for their cab. The weather’s looking a bit grim, bit of rain falling.

Kayla and Cliff are chatting up a taxi driver who happens past them and surprisingly agrees to transport them to The Rocks for free, since they’re so short on funds. About a 25 minute drive, apparently.

The Jofres finally find a bus, but the first one that arrives is going entirely the wrong way. They have to cross the road and catch a bus from that side. Oops, who could have guessed they’d have trouble with buses?

The Hailwoods are the first to The Rocks, thanks to their friendly cabbie. But they make a rookie error and grab the first set of tickets on the board, which is ferry tickets, with no idea whether that’s the best way. The other options are car, train and bus. Surely the car is the best?

The Pestells are finally aboard their taxi who also conveniently agrees to take them to The Rocks even with their limited funds…

The Auvales are second to arrive and pick up their tickets. They choose car, which seemed the smartest to them as well. But the car is on the other side of the Harbour Bridge. Oh dear!

Jofres choose train and they’re running fast to get there.

The Auvales have seen the bridge before but have never actually been to it. Between the path across the bridge and the phone booth are a huge set of stairs, which is pushing Rina past her limits.

… tomorrow night! The challenge continues. Who will be first to arrive and win immunity?

Also, the trainers weigh in at last after their week of indulgences. Who’ll have put the most weight on? Do you suppose Fat Commando and Fat Michelle were the ones who made the baby? Or were they too disgusted by their fatty fat bodies to make babies?

Then, the first work out of the new season. The families are going to pay for the pain they put their trainers through. Expect many tears and a few barfs!