The following program is classified PG – Pretty Great? Plenty Gorgeous? Porky Gutful?

It’s time once more for The Biggest Loser. The tenth season is kicking off and we’re fatter than ever. We’re one of the fattest nations on Earth. So Mr Voiceover Man says we’re going back to what matters, families!

One lady needs to lose weight to have a baby, one man feels like he’s failed his family, one guy I could swear I saw at Maccas today says he’ll probably be dead in 10 years.

Once again we have all four trainers on deck, Michelle, Shannan, Commando and Tiffiny.

The Hailwoods are young parents wanting to break the cycle of obesity. The Auvales are a Samoan family who celebrate life through food. The Auvales still live at home. The Pestells are sisters battling against their weight – and each other. Because they’re girls, what do you expect?

We also have a new house with vines growing all over it. And a new host! Princess Fiona Falkiner from the very first season of the Australian version of the show. She looked smashing at the finale and has gone on to have a successful career as a “plus size” model. Which is to say she’s not a fucking stick figure.

Along the way they’ll break down and be built back up and one of them will be crowned Australia’s Biggest Loser. How exciting… for them. For, like, two weeks or so.

Tiffiny’s first to meet her family as the pre-show blurb wraps up. Tiffiny doesn’t know much about her family, she says, but she knows they’re three sisters and Sam’s partner Cliff and they really need her help.

Growing up they moved around a lot so they mostly only had each other and food in common. One of the girls (she’s not on screen, I have no idea yet!) says they grew fat together as a group and while they joke on the outside they’re miserable on the inside.

The Hailwoods are having a BBQ in a public park as Tiff struts towards them. She’s going to live with them for five days and she knows it’s going to be tough as she was there the last time they did it, too.

“Hi, I’m Tiffiny.” “WE KNOW! *squeal*” Tiff informs them they’ve made it through to the show and they’re her team for this year and the girls all seem very excited. Not so sure Cliff’s as excited.

Sylvia (?) runs off to tell her husband who was off playing with their daughter. The husband has a Dragonball Z shirt with “PRIDE” underneath Goku. Stupid obviously runs in the family, even when it’s by marriage!

The kidlets seem very happy, probably because they don’t realise it means Mummy will be gone for months. Or perhaps they do realise and that’s why they’re happy!

Tiffiny thinks they all seem quite motivated.

Tiffiny sees huge burgers and is a bit worried. The burgers, she says, look as big as her head. The Hailwood lunch is calculated at 1640 calories and 17 tsp of fat. They have two patties, bacon, cheese a hash brown, pickles and beetroot. But Tiffiny manages to get her gob around it and start choking it down. Cliff helpfully offers her a beer to wash it down.

Tiff’s worried about them because three of them are parents and the bad habits are being passed on. Sylvia starts tearing up and Tiff gives her a pat on the back. Tiff is happy she’s emotional because they can dig into it and work on her issues, etc.

Tiffiny asks if they’re all prepared to do everything it takes, everything she says and one of the girls says they’re going to give it 130%. We’ll see how long that last once Tiff gets them back to Camp Biggest Loser.

For now, Commando Steve is meeting his Auvale family. Two brothers and their wives. Johnee and Tenealle, Moses and Rina.

Moses and Johnee weren’t so close at a young age because Moses had to get into work early. Both were skinny little buggers as youngsters but it stacked on over the years. Johnee in particular is huge. They’re playing golf as Steve comes upon them. Johnee barely fits on the cart, taking over half the seat and pushing Moses to the side a bit. Steve creeps in behind them and pops up beside them and Moses swears.

They’re not in the audition process anymore, as they thought they were, they’ve been chosen as Commando Steve’s Black Team. Johnee thought it was one of his Commando related nightmares but he’s glad they’re finally getting the help they need.

Time to go home and tell the wives they’re on the show. The boys go in first and ask the wives to set an extra plate for lunch… The boys were eating when Steve found them. Hmmm.

Steve strolls down the hallway and the girls catch sight of him and both are shocked. Time to go to Camp Biggest Loser!

Except not, because you have to spend five days gorging first, Steve.

Before eating they sing a lovely song in… Samoan? Sorry, I don’t know. Then a prayer. Then tuck in… to a whole suckling pig, fried chicken, big box of chips, coconut cream on salads, not a vegetable in sight. The whole Auvale feast is calculated at 50,300 calories and 613tsp of fat but to be fair there’s about 10 of them.

Steve says the family come together like this as a way of communicating together but he can think of better ways. Yeah, like watching telly, right Steve? Right!

Johnee says they came from poverty so now they’re catching up? Or something. Come on, dude.

Steve asks them what would happen if he wasn’t there and Johnee straight up admits they’d probably keep on as they have been until they died. And really, isn’t that what we all do? Do stuff, do some other stuff, have some fun, die?

After an ad break we’re with Shannan! He’s meeting the Pestells. Dad Terry and his three daughters. Mel is the eldest, twins Jodie and Ali and he’s also meeting Ali’s daughter Tilly. They’re a family in crisis, a recurring theme, it seems.

Terry says when the girls were young the family didn’t always eat healthy and so bad habits formed and got passed on, etc etc. They need The Biggest Loser to help!

Shannan likes arriving to meetings with good news and he’s got the best news today, they’re on the show… Kinda good news, bad news there, Shannan! Much torture in their future but a really good chance of winning. BLUE FOR LIFE!

Ali was mid-bite of carbonara as Shannan comes in and she was thinking she really needed to put the fork down. Shannan tells them they’re going to continue eating as normal, but he’s looking around and realises how bad a situation his family is in. They’re all enormous and the food they’re eating is utterly bereft of nutritional value.

And that’s bad news for Shannan as he’s going to have to eat with them for a whole week.

And now, MICHELLE! Hooray! Mish is looking really great and very definitely not pregnant yet, probably. But soon! Soooon. Mish and Commando, sitting in a tree, MAKING TINY SCARY FIT BABIES.

Anyway, she’s in Victoria meeting the Jofres, an Argentinian family who really love their food. It’s Uncle Rob and his four nephews, apparently. Pablo, Tony and Daniel. They’re all huge. The nephews all live at home with their Mum. At least one of them has sleep apnea, one or more has diabetes, high blood pressure, the whole works.

Mish rocks up as the family is digging into some pasta for lunch. How convenient! Daniel wants to invite her in to have some food, Mish says she’s starving but I’m not sure she wants what they’re having…

Back with the Pestell’s and Shannan’s getting a parmagiana, chips and a full strength cola. 2,870 calories, 85 tsp of fat! Shannan says he can feel the damage being done immediately. He asks if they’ve never thought they should do something about this themselves? Ali says it’s what made them apply to be on The Biggest Loser. She wants to be the best role model she can be for her little girl. Shannan tells Tilly she’s got to give her Mum all the support she can because taking the weight off is hard, not as much fun as putting it on.

Back with the Jofres and Mish says they’re a lovely, welcoming family who just wanted to feed her. They’re feeders, she says. Mish has been looking on the internets, hasn’t she.

The plate full of food they give her to tuck into “weighs a ton” she says. It’s 2,450 calories, 33tsp of fat. Lots and lots of meats, an empinada and potato salad. Mish admits she’s a carnivore, but not to this extent. She tells them to eat up and it’s the only time she’ll be telling them that!

The three boys need to grow up, Mish thinks. Catalina is excited to have them off under Michelle’s wing and Mish says she’s excited for Catalina to be rid of them for a bit. But she won’t be doing their washing for them!

Rob, the uncle, has a girlfriend and a child with her with another on the way. They’ve been together for 10 years and engaged for 9. Mish wonders why they’re not married yet. WHY HAVEN’T YOU MARRIED STEVE YET, MICHELLE?

They don’t want to get married while Rob is huge and unhappy about it and so after the new baby weight is off and hopefully Rob is a healthier weight they can have a happy wedding.

Back with the Auvales after another ad break. Steve’s having breakfast with Johnee. Steve knocks on the door, no answer. It’s 10.30am. Commando is a bit surly, sits on the front step waiting. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day! Johnee’s first words are, “You’ve got to be kidding me?” He was expecting Steve to be there more around lunchtime.

Breakfast? Cold chicken and chips, chocolate, potato chips and bottles of Mountain Dew with the labels removed. Oh boy, Steve’s not going to be happy. They’re only 1.25L bottles but Johnee gets 3 or 4 down a day. 2,970 calories and 193tsp of sugar in 6L. Chicken and chips run 5,716 calories and 69tsp of fat. Johnee likes it cold because it’s not as oily, like when it’s fresh. And he’s been doing it for the last couple of years, he says. And he’s never questioned it, it’s just his way of life.

Johnee and Tenealle are trying to have kids but they can’t, not even with IVF, with the blocking factor being their weight. I assume they can’t do it the old fashioned way because Johnee’s underpants shot makes it seem like maybe his gut hangs below his dick? He’s going to put up some impressive numbers if he can stick with Steve!

Shannan’s now having a lunch with Jodie, who he’s already called “Jodes”! What’s for lunch? A family sized lasagne. One for each of them. Shannan says he’s eaten with some big guys, big footy players and such, but this meal dwarfs what they get through. I’m less shocked by the size and more that anyone can eat that disgusting bechamel sauce stuff. Lasagne without it? Beautiful. Try it some time!

Anyway, Shannan asks Jodie if it’s a bit lonely having lunch each day by herself. No mates, no family around, lot of time to think during the day? What does she think about? Getting married, having kids with her partner. Anthony’s already got a ring for her, but she wouldn’t say yes yet because she wouldn’t be comfortable getting married at her size. Common theme!

They’ve been together for four years and Jodie really thinks he’s the one because he accepts her for the way she is. When she looks in the mirror she doesn’t like what she sees. She doesn’t let Anthony see her get dressed because she doesn’t think he’d like it and wouldn’t want to be with her. But… you were naked with him? He knows how big you are. He’s obviously looking beyond that… or he just likes big women. No judging here!

Shannan says there’s so many things wrong with their life and it’s all because of the food. Shannan also thinks the causes of all the food and drama might run even deeper than just their weight.

Next, we’re at the Taco Bill restaurant with two of Michelle’s boys. And one holds the door open for her, well done!

Mish is pleased there’s healthy options on the menu but they’re not having that, of course. They’re having a 2.5kg burrito. Michelle says, “It’s like the size of a newborn child.” Well, this will be good practice for you, Mish. GET IT IN YOUR BELLY!

5,450 calories, 58tsp fat. Mish is breaking into a sweat trying to get it down while the boys are powering through. I think she’s got maybe half of it down? Which is a fair effort for someone who probably only eats a kilo of food a day.

Later she has a selfie video in bed, telling us she feels very sick and lethargic. Big stomach ache and a headache. And she’s scared of what might be for breakfast.

After another ad break we’re with Tiffiny in a car with Sylvia. She’s hiding a dark secret, Tiff tells us. Sylvia takes food and eats it in secret. In this case, a full supreme pizza and four chicken wings. Which would go down really well right now. The pizza looks really nice, guys.

3,362 calories, 35tsp fat. Sylvia’s laughing her arse off and Tiffiny just looks horrified. There’s no way a pizza could fit inside Tiffiny, not a chance. She’s too tiny!

Sylvia doesn’t want her kids to see it and if she’s hiding it she feels like she’s not really doing it. She’s been doing it for about eight years, she thinks. Sylvia says she doesn’t want to hide anymore. Tiff tells her she doesn’t need the pizza, not emotionally, not nutritionally, she doesn’t need it. Sylvia says she still feels like she has to eat it, all the same.

Tiff’s bed cam might be a bit hot… but for the horrible skin breakout she’s having after a few days. She has a monstrous headache as well. She’s appalled, says they’re “choosing food over life.”

Mish is having breakfast now with the three nephews. Or she’s supposed to be, Pablo’s not even awake. At 9.53am, according to the displayed clock.

4,033 calories, 17tsp of sugar in 500g of cereal. Tony normally eats that all himself. But today he’ll share it with Mish. So generous!

Half an hour later and Pablo’s finally up, but he doesn’t have 500g of cereal in the morning. Oh no, that’s not his thing. Mish is scared.

Leftover pizza and unlabelled soft drink. A lot of that going around.

Then Tony says he’s got a surprise. More breakfast. Second breakfast! Secret breakfast… 1.25 litres of ice cream. Michelle is visibly horrified and she wonders if they’re really doing this every day and if they are, how many other people are doing similar things around the country.

It’s then I notice that 27 year old Tony is SMOKING. At breakfast. Inside the house. Erghhh.

Tony and Pablo aren’t having fun, they say to Mish’s question. They don’t really go out. Mish is in shock, she asks if they’re putting it on and Pablo says it’s really what they do. And they’ve finally broken Michelle, she’s in tears at how awful their diets are. She has to go outside and tells the camera their life is just misery.

Day 4 with the Hailwoods. Tiff says she needs to observe their lives to see what changes they need to make. Everything. Everything needs to change, Tiffiny.

Dinner with Cliff and Sam and their daughter Sophia is Tiff’s challenge for the day. Cliff does most of the cooking as he’s good at it. Big plate of chicken wings and chips. Tiff says they’ve got no idea of portion control, but it’s just wings. Not that much meat on them.

What does worry me though is that Sophia’s eating the same as them. Cliff says sometimes they give her a piece of cheese or some fruit as well. Cliff’s worried because his father just passed away and they’re both worried they might have a heart attack, too, thus leaving Sophia alone.

They’re the first couple underpants mirror shot, which is good, because they both get off the screen much sooner!

Now Shannan’s off with Ali and Tilly. Tilly’s learning to ice skate, which she does every week. Shannan says Ali’s a sideline Mum right now, it’s got to change. Ali knows Tilly deserves better. Underpants mirror shot and Ali has some weird wrinkle in her huge belly. It only goes halfway across. It’s weird!

They have food at the ice skating rink and Tilly is asked if she prefers nuggets or chips and Tilly says both. Shannan thinks Ali’s doing a pretty good job raising Tilly, in spite of her own choices. And Tilly says she wants to be like her Mum, but Ali tells us she feels sad at that, she wants to be better than that.

Shannan’s bed cam and he’s telling us that year after year he’s amazed at what the contestants manage to put away. He’s in a lot of pain and it’s going to be a long night for the poor lad.

Commando Steve’s final day with the Auvales. Having a sit down with Moses and Rina and talking about their horrific drinking problem. Moses says he really only drinks Friday and Saturday nights but it’s a couple of boxes of beers. Rina has a bottle, a 700ml bottle of bourbon. In one sitting. 1,540 calories in that. Steve says binge drinking is very dangerous because it affects your immune system, your liver and your kidneys. He tells Moses there’s 3,000 calories in a box of 24 beers, which is more than a normal person’s intake for an entire day. Moses is a little confused at first and seeks clarification – yes, food and any drinks, Moses. 3,000 is a lot and you’re doing that just in beer!

And what do the kids do while the parents are getting sloshed? Sit around playing on their gadgets, as kids do these days.

So drink up, because there’s no booze where they’re going, Steve tells them.

Shannan’s spending his final day getting to know Mel, the eldest and quietest of the sisters. They’re having a snack. An entire chocolate bavarian. Loaded with ice cream on top. He says he’s never seen anyone eat something so loaded with calories, but it’s only 2,371 delicious calories and 31tsp of sugar!

Mel eats like that if she’s sad, stressed, feeling down. Why’s she feel sad? Because she’s unhappy. With herself. She doesn’t have a partner and she wants what her sister has, a boyfriend/partner. She’s never been in love and she doesn’t think anyone could love her at the size she is. She thinks someone would be ashamed to be with her.

Shannan has had enough, asks her for the rest of the dessert. She doesn’t need it, she’s starting now. Shannan tells her the “snack” is a death sentence for her. It stops now, they need to save her life.

Tomorrow night! The very first weigh-in for the contestants for this year. Going to be some tears falling on them scales.

Then we meet Princess Fiona! For their very first challenge – finding the brand new Biggest Loser house.

More tears? More tears!