Previously on The Biggest Loser… oh, I don’t know, THE ENTIRE SEASON. The finale is finally here!

Tonight the top three teams weigh in for the big prize, the other teams weigh in for the also-ran prize and we see how spiffy they look after dropping a bunch of weight.

Or how terrible they still look because they slacked off on the outside!

The top three teams are Gerald and Todd, the “Battlers from Bendigo”. Robyn and Katie, the “competition powerhouses”. And King Richard and his daughter the Fat Princess Amber. Who will win? Find out in like 80 minutes of drawn out reminiscing!

Looks to be a lot of green support in the crowd, good to see!

Hayley says that eleven weeks ago the contestants started their journey to tackle generational obesity. Breakdowns and breathroughs, tears and triumphs, etc. The contestants have managed to lose over 700kg this season, apparently. Not bad!

BEGIN THE REPLAY FOOTAGE. Honestly, if you haven’t been watching or reading recaps or keeping up in general why the fuck would you be watching the finale anyway? Just get to the showing off and the weighing!

Janet and Kirsten are now buddy-buddy and stuff, that’s the gist of this current set of recap footage. So I guess they’re coming on stage first? Yup! Oooh, helloooo ladies! Kirsten looks amazing with her hair down, has silver straps on her dress with black sides going down to her ankles but the white dress part in the middle only goes to mid thigh. It’s a bit odd, but pretty. Janet’s looking really good too in a sparkly aquamarine off-one-shoulder dress. Big hug at the end of the platform as Hayley joins them with her long black dress with silvery belt.

Kirsten says she wouldn’t’ve been able to do this four months ago but she’s so much happier and more confident now. Janet says when there’s a weight issue in the house it’s not about what you say it’s about what you do. You’ve got to be a good role model before anything else.

More recap footage of Janet and Kirsten arguing about all sorts of stupid shit. We saw enough this season!

Janet doesn’t know where to begin when asked how her life has changed at home. She does say that her relationship with her husband has improved a lot though while Kirsten mutters that it’s too much information!

Now it’s time for recap footage of Mandy and Brett! Includes yet another replay of Brett breaking his wrist. Ouch. Ouch ouch ouch! But he didn’t let that stop him.

Then the doors open to reveal Brett and Mandy. Brett’s looking much thinner though a little stiff. Probably got a corset on under his suit to keep the loose skin in place, going by how big he used to be. Mandy looks really nice in a midnight blue dress.

Brett loved getting his fitness back so he could get back to playing basketball again. Even if it didn’t always look like he enjoyed it. Mandy and her husband used to joke about her weight and she thinks maybe they thought they were too far gone. Mandy’s husband’s a personal trainer, so he wasn’t super thrilled about it all.

Now before more reveals, Gerald and Todd’s homecoming. So many people are at their farm looking place. SO MANY PEOPLE! Lots of cheers and hugs for both Gerald and Todd. Awww!

Chris and Mark are next for revisiting the past. They’d spent a lot of time apart due to a family breakdown but promised each other a fresh start to their relationship. Time to open the doors and… hey, they’re both looking pretty good! Mark’s still a little pudgy but it’s nothing out of the ordinary anymore. And he doesn’t have the stupid gauges in his ears anymore, hooray!

Chris is looking pretty good too, very much the cool old Dad look for him.

Mark says he didn’t think he had a weight problem originally, thought he felt great. But it was because he didn’t know what great really felt like, he says.

Next up… oh god, Anita and Cher. Can’t we just skip them? Doors open and Anita’s looking quite nice… Cher’s still huge. Looking at her side by side with the old version and it’s not really obvious she’s lost any weight at all, probably because she’s clothed in one and only in her underwear in the other. Anita actually looks to be around Cher’s age now in a long, flowing, lavender dress with some sparkly highlights.

Anita says the experience was magical. The journey is still going and Cher says she knows she has a fair bit to go but she’s not giving up any time soon. Good!

Before the next reveal, Richard and Amber’s homecoming! Lots and lots and lots of squealing. Poor baby in one of the lady’s arms must be loving that! Richard lifts his top up for the crowd and then sucks his guts in as he remembers how loose his skin is. Later he asks his wife if she’ll marry him again. AWWWW!

After another interminable ad break we’re catching up with Sam and Jess. Jess was the one who was smoking 50 ciggies a day and had already had a stroke, if you’ve forgotten. The doors slide open and Jess has a new hairdo! It’s all blonde and flippy. She has a short blue dress with sparkly black highlights… but when she’s waving to the crowd she’s got some good bingo wings going! Sam’s looking very relaxed in a blazer and blue shirt. Looking quite fit now, big improvement over where he was.

Jess feels more confident. Sam wanted to be a good role model for his family. Hayley says that was always a big part of his time on the show and that brings tears to Sam’s eyes and Hayley has to finish talking instead of asking them questions, heh.

And now… Rosemary and Kevin. Kevin was recently in hospital, if you recall the article the other day. Hope he’s lost a goodly amount of weight since leaving the show.

Sliding doors slide open again and… yep, Kevin’s still huge. Can’t expect too much given he was the biggest contestants in Biggest Loser history but he’s looking far too proud of himself and his result. Realistically he’s probably only a third of the way to his goal so maybe save the celebrations a bit longer? Anyway, he’s in a suit! His Mum’s in a red dress and waddling badly on a set of heels as she’s obviously not used to such things. Her dress below the bust is all sparkly though so the wobbling makes it sparkle more!

Hayley asks how much we love these guys? Kevin’s good, Rosemary’s awful! Kevin denies the trainers bullied him as some had complained. He owes them his life and Rosemary says she’d like to thank all the trainers too.

Time for Robyn and Katie to return home. Lots of screaming and hugging. Awww!

GRATUITOUS SHIRTLESS COMMANDO!

Time to welcome the trainers to the stage. Shannan’s got a grey suit with a tight top underneath, Commando’s in a smart black vest, tie and white shirt and Michelle looks smoking hot, as always, in a short red sparkly dress.

Hayley congratulates Shannan because this is his first finale as a Dad. His young son Max is watching from home. So this season struck a chord with him, since it was generational stuff. He was hoping to learn where not to go wrong in raising his kids. The parents were often the biggest speed humps in fixing up the kids’ outlooks.

Commando’s a Dad too. Nutrition and health starts and ends with the parent.

AND MICHELLE. THE ONE WHO APPARENTLY WANTS A BABY BUT DOESN’T HAVE ONE. So mean, Hayley. Michelle says it’s not just about losing the weight it’s about feeling good about yourself again, learning how to change your life and so on. She takes her hat off to anyone taking on the hard work the contestants have done.

Hayley says the trainers are the heart and soul of The Biggest Loser. Big round of applause and cheers for the trainers!

Time for the eliminated contestants to weigh in. Eeeexcellent!

The prize for the highest weightloss percentage among the eliminees is $10,000 again this year. Pretty nice!

First up on the scales will be Sam and Jess, the old red team.

Sam Start: 129.4kg Sam Now: 94.8kg Sam Loss: 34.6kg

Jess Start: 134.1kg Jess Now: 105kg Jess Loss: 29.1kg

Total: 63.7kg 24.17%

Wow, nice work from the red team given they were one of the earliest teams out. They’re in first, obviously.

Next up, Rosemary and Kevin. They’ll need 85.8kg to beat red. Kevin’s just hoping to be under 200kg!

Kevin Start: 254.7kg Kevin Now: 198.6kg Kevin Loss: 56.1kg

Rosemary Start: 100.1kg Rosemary Now: 79.2kg Rosemary Loss: 20.9kg

Total: 77kg 21.7%

Not too bad given the size of Kevin at the start. Not quite enough to bump Sam and Jess out of first place though.

Next up, the other heavyweight team, Anita and Cher. They need 70.1kg to topple Sam and Jess.

Cher Start: 172.2kg Cher Now: 141.6kg Cher Loss: 30.6kg

Anita Start: 117.6kg Anita Now: 86kg Anita Loss: 31.6kg

Total: 62.2kg 21.46%

Great result from Anita, abysmal from Cher, which is probably a surprise to no one!

Sam and Jess retain their first place position through the next ad break!

Next team to weigh in will be Mandy and Brett. They’d have to be a fair chance to knock Sam and Jess off. Mandy hates weigh in days! They need 72.8kg to knock off Sam and Jess and Brett’s up first.

Brett Start: 187.9kg Brett Now: 130.5kg Brett Loss: 57.4kg

Mandy Start: 113.3kg Mandy Now: 77.7kg Mandy Loss: 35.6kg

Total: 93kg 30.88%

Wow, excellent results from both of them and they’ve taken the lead pretty comfortably as a result.

Janet and Kirsten’s turn. They’re both looking quite a bit skinnier so this could be close. Janet’s looking quite calm, Hayley says, and Janet says it’s because she feels like a winner already. They need 63.2kg to take first place.

Kirsten Start: 98.1kg Kirsten Now: 70.4kg Kirsten Loss: 27.7kg

Janet Start: 106.6kg Janet Now: 68.6kg Janet Loss: 38kg

Total: 65.7kg 32.1%

WOW. Thought it would be close, didn’t think they’d beat Mandy and Brett. Awesome result for the pink girls!

Of course there’s still Chris and Mark to go… In order to win they need 101.5kg. That is a LOT of weight. Mark’s mind is ticking over and he says to Hayley they mightn’t be far off that.

Mark Start: 162.9kg Mark Now: 112.2kg Mark Loss: 50.7kg

Chris Start: 152.3kg Chris Now: 107.6kg Chris Loss: 44.7kg

Total: 95.4kg 30.27%

Not enough! Janet and Kirsten have won the eliminated contestants prize, hooray! They give each other a big hug and then pounce on Michelle for a big cuddle as well.

Replay of Robyn and Katie doing the big swing in New Zealand… but this time with a lot more bleeped out swears from Robyn. Ha! Then more old footage of them being super fat and ugly crying in elimination and so on.

Time for the sliding doors to reveal Robyn and Katie… And they’re both looking super fancy! Katie looks to have lost some more weight, especially in the face, and she has a long black off one shoulder dress with some sparklies on top of her boob and under her other boob. Robyn’s in a long red sparkly dress and looking much younger for being all dolled up for a change.

Robyn says her priority was always Katie and even if it meant she’d never talk to her again, she wanted to get Katie into shape like she is now. When Robyn went home everything was much easier for her, she was much happier. And things have changed a lot at home, her boys really love the soy linseed bread. Cue shot of her son shaking her head with a wry smile.

Then some more recap and unseen footage of Robyn’s one liners throughout the show, including telling Steve that her knickers are wet and scrunched thanks to the workout she’s doing.

Next, Richard and Amber, the so-called “best friends” instead of father-daughter. Richard was having trouble dealing with everything in his life at home, spent more and more time away from home as a result. Steve tells us Richard’s the fittest person at Camp, but Amber was all talk, no action.

Richard learned to lead by example in their time and that started the change for them, Steve tells us. They’ve turned their lives and the future of their family around. Lots of very nice words from both about how much they’ve enjoyed the experience!

As the sliding doors open Amber’s in a long, flowing blue dress with sparkly underbust and a Cleopatra hairstyle that really doesn’t suit her. But she’s looking thinner than she used to. Richard looks like a tit. He’s in a suit with a bow tie but the tie isn’t tied, it’s just hanging loose. It’s a stupid look for a stupid man, I guess? He does look very fit now though!

Richard says the turning point for the family was the birth of his grandchild not long after losing his Mum. Amber says it’s been a big turnaround since her Dad and Mum have agreed to marry each other again. Her and her sister were thinking of packing their bags and moving out just so Richard and his wife would get divorced.

Cue footage of all the King Dick related stuff!

Now it’s time for Gerald and Todd replay. Hooray! Shannan says Gerald’s body is busted and he’s survived purely on guts and determination. He can’t imagine a better role model for Todd than Gerald.

Todd’s wearing a blue leather jacket over a white shirt with jeans. Looking like a handsome young man at last and he’s having a good time walking down the catwalk and playing to the crowd. All the contestants are on their feet applauding and hollering too which is good to see!

Gerald looks very dignified in a nice suit. The weightloss has left him looking a good ten years younger, too. And he’s not wearing his glasses anymore? Hmm.

Hayley breaks up a bit and says Gerald and Todd are two of the sweetest men you could ever meet. Awwww! They came on the show because of Sophie, Gerald’s daughter. Sophie’s had a lot of trouble with her heart and spina bifida. She came into his bedroom one night and just said to him he’s not helping himself. Gerald says Sophie saved his life. Awww!

Hayley says she’s sure she speaks on behalf of Australia when she says Todd’s grown into a lovely young man. Has a crack in her voice when saying that, so sweet!

Shannan reminds us that Todd was the youngest contestant ever on the show. But he went hard from day one and never stopped.

Todd’s advice to kids being bullied is to just walk away from it, which he didn’t do enough of in the past.

Big round of applause for the finalists and then an ad break and then the weigh ins!

Time to ask the trainers if they think the contestants kept up the work on the outside. Gerald and Todd worked so hard on the show and never took a backwards step, so they’ll be in with a good chance. Steve says it’ll come down to the effort they’ve put in at home! Mish says she’s enjoyed training all the teams and they’ve all put in a lot of work throughout so they’re proud of them anyway!

Hayley says that no matter what happens tonight they’ve all done a fantastic job and they’re all very proud of them.

But it’s now time to weigh in!

First on the scales will be Richard and Amber, interesting.

Amber Start: 111.6kg Amber Now: 84.7kg Amber Loss: 26.9kg

Richard Start: 139.7kg Richard Now: 94.9kg Richard Loss: 44.8kg

Total: 71.7kg 28.53%

Hah, they got beat by some of the eliminated teams. Shameful! Nah, they’ve done quite well, especially with Amber’s initial reluctance to do it at all.

Gerald and Todd will be next to weigh in, would have thought they’d be last. They’re both nervous! To take the lead they need at least 78.3kg.

Todd Start: 112.2kg Todd Now: 74.4kg Todd Loss: 37.8kg

Leaves 40.1kg for Gerald. Should be in the bag, then?

Gerald Start: 159.1kg Gerald Now: 102.7kg Gerald Loss: 56.4kg

Total: 94.2kg 34.72%

Wow, that’s a great result for both the boys and they’re now in the lead. Big hugs for both Richard and Amber from Gerald and Todd.

Robyn and Katie’s turn to weigh in. This could be very close as both girls are looking so much fitter now. They need at least 86.5kg. They’re looking a little dubious but Katie’s crunching the numbers and they may just have it in them.

Katie Start: 136.8kg Katie Now: 89.2kg Katie Loss: 47.6kg

WOW. Katie’s stoked, as well she should be as that is a huge loss. 38.9kg remaining for Robyn.

Robyn Start: 112.1kg Robyn Now: 73.1kg Robyn Loss: 39kg

Total: 86.6kg 34.79%

SHUT THE FUCK UP! They won by a hundred grams?! 0.07%! Closest margin ever and an epic effort from the mother daughter team. Gerald and Todd take home $30,000 and Richard and Amber get $10,000. At least they’re not stiffing the final three anymore!

Hayley thanks us all for joining them (THAT’S OKAY!) and hopes she sees us again next series when they’ll be tackling one of the heaviest towns in Australia.

The whole town? Or just some of the inhabitants. TUNE IN EVENTUALLY TO FIND OUT!

And so another season draws to a close. What did we all think? I quite liked the change to only three days a week as there was a lot less faffing around and replaying of footage!

Congratulations to all the contestants and best of luck in the outside world. And thanks once again, everyone, for reading my silly little recaps. It’s been fun, see you next time!