Previously on The Biggest Loser we met this season’s batch of contestants, they promised to stop being a bunch of fatties, they jumped off a cliff together, worked out (and barfed) together and then they all weighed in without any really amazingly large numbers.

Tonight! Big Kev is coming, the ads keep telling us. The biggest contestant in worldwide Biggest Loser history. More training, with Mish losing her shit at Brett, just before the first competitive weigh in of the year where they might avoid facing elimination altogether if they can lose 100kg as a group.

Then… it’s not just Big Kev, he’s coming with a partner. AND ANOTHER COUPLE. Sneaky fuckers. Look to be the old Shannan blue and a new yellow shirt team. Should rock the boat. Will also bring the groups up to 9 in total, making 3 per trainer. How convenient!

But first, Shannan rocks up with Mish and Commando while telling us that none of the contestants trained last night. It’s not a health retreat, Shannan says, they’re supposed to be burning 600 calories morning and night, lest they go home.

The trainers come into the lounge room and Shannan asks who trained this morning. One says they did 10 minutes that morning. Shannan’s pissed, 10 minutes isn’t enough! Steve tells us they’ve gotten complacent and there’s no time for that.

So it’s time for Last Chance Training, the first of the year. They’re carrying a 7kg advantage overall into the weigh in, but they still have to lose a total of 93kg to stay safe.

Steve’s got his group doing bridges and only Robyn and Katie are knuckling down properly. Amber finally cracks and gets up, complaining of a stabbing pain in her gut. Steve says he can understand that, it’s called a stitch! But Amber is adamant it’s not. Steve tries to encourage her to get back into it but she’s insisting, saying she had the pain this morning when she woke up. Her Dad even says she’s a bit of a princess, but he’s trying to support her. She gets away with a lot at home, he says. Her bedroom is a pigsty, and I say that as an occasionally messy person. There’s empty food packets and drink cans all over the floor. And her Dad is shown bringing her more food in her room! Gross.

She’s still moaning and groaning about it. Steve tells her he doesn’t care how much she cries, he wants her to get this done. She needs to pull her finger out if they’re going to stay in the house another week.

Last Chance Training with Mish! Michelle says the contestants are still sore and tired from the challenge but if they don’t get the hard work done someone will be going home. Mish is telling them their back will be against the wall sometimes but they’ve just got to come out strong, etc. Brett started out strong in this session, but he fades fast and Mish is unimpressed, particularly when Brett’s Mum can do it. Brett is complaining about not being able to get his leg up? But Mish isn’t asking him to do that.

“I know when someone’s about to cark it, and you ain’t looking like it!” HOW MANY HAVE YOU KILLED, MICHELLE? You monster!

Mish is demanding Brett pick his weights back up but he can’t do it and he’s surprised at how unfit he is. Apparently he still plays basketball at his weight, but he does it by playing “smart” instead of hard. Shuffling around the court, taking advantage of his height. His teammates don’t make a big deal of it but he knows they suffer because of his weight.

“You’re standing at a crossroads right now. You can either go down Pussy Street or Man Up Road.” PUSSY STREET, PLEASE MICHELLE.

Brett chooses Man Up Road, but still won’t pick the weights up. Mish gets fed up and tells him to stop embarassing himself then mumbles something. Think he told Mish to fuck off. Michelle tells him to get out and he’s only too happy to do so, much to Mish’s disgust. She calls after him that of course he’s taking the easy way out, he always does!

Ad break, presumably followed by Michelle chasing him down…

After the ad break Mandy, his Mum, is in tears and looking to chase him but Mish says to leave him, he needs the break.

Mish does indeed follow him out for a chat. He’s feeling insignificant and he apologises to Mish for swearing and he feels like he’s worthless. Brett feels like a detriment to his team and Mish reminds him he’s got three other people in the gym that need him. They’re like his teammates on the court. Mish takes his hand and leads him back into the gym. He’s got to finish the workout, Michelle knows, else it would kill him. For added motivation Mish is doing the same exercise with him and he gets it done, finally!

Then Mish calls for a high five afterwards and Brett takes a moment to get his hand up there. So mean, he just worked himself to death. But you can’t leave Mish hanging…

Shannan says Gerald and Todd have been working their butts off in training, to the point of collapse, it’s time for some of the others to lift their game. Mark’s being pitted against Todd on the rowing machines. Todd’s fifteen and Mark’s an ex-kickboxer with tattooes and piercings, but Todd’s not intimidated in the slightest. Mark doesn’t want Todd to beat him… but when the end of the race arrives, Todd’s smoked him! Mark’s a bit upset by being beaten by a fifteen year old, especially given his past as a relatively fit young kid. Played Auskick and went surfing and so on. Shannan’s pushing Mark along on the treadmill afterwards with Gerald on an elliptical beside him… but not for long as Gerald collapses again.

Gerald says he’s been pushing himself to 100% because anything less and you may as well not be there. But it’s getting him into some trouble some times. Shannan asks Mark why he fusses and fights over the training when his body can do it? Mark says because he’d told himself he couldn’t. He’s barely worked up a sweat, meanwhile Gerald’s still propped up against the wall behind them with sweat sheeting off him.

But that’s enough training, time for the weigh in! Hayley reminds them all they have a target of 100kg for the week between them. They’ve got a 7kg advantage from beating Commando Steve in a jet at the challenge.

So they’re at 7kg, already. 93kg to go! Everyone’s still quite nervous. Shannan thinks it’ll come down to a couple hundred grams. He says while they have that 7kg they’re also a smaller crew this year, so 7kg each is a big ask.

Time to weigh in! Dun dun dunnnnn!

First up, Orange Robyn and Katie.

Robyn Start: 112.1kg Robyn Current: 104.4kg Robyn Loss: 7.7kg

Katie Start: 136.8kg Katie Current: 128kg Katie Loss: 8.8kg

Total Loss: 16.5kg (6.63%)

Accumulated total: 23.5kg

Robyn’s pumped and relieved to have not let the team down. She’s also really proud of her daughter for doing so well, too.

Grey, Mandy and Brett, next.

Mandy Current: 105.8kg Mandy Loss: 7.5kg

Brett Current: 174.8kg Brett Loss: 13.1kg

Total Loss: 20.6kg (6.84%)

Accumulated: 44.1kg

Mandy’s hoping to be under 100kg next week but that’s unrealistic, silly woman. Brett’s chuffed to have gotten such a good result. He doesn’t want to be pushed, but that’s what it’s about. Mandy has never heard the sort of language that’s come out of his mouth this week, but Brett says he’s enjoying his time there… except with Mish!

Red team, Sam and Jess, up next.

Sam Current: 120.9kg Sam Loss: 8.5kg

Jess Current: 129.7kg Jess Loss: 4.4kg

Total Loss: 12.9kg (4.9%)

Accumulated: 57kg

Jess didn’t think she’d lost more than 2kg, she’s struggled she says but… 4.4kg for a first week is pretty poor. Mish thinks it’s a great result to start with and now she’s got Jess’ head in the game, she’s headed for better.

43kg to go between 4 more teams? Seems doable.

Chris Current: 143.4kg Chris Loss: 8.9kg

Mark Current: 153.6kg Mark Loss: 9.3kg

Total Loss: 18.2kg

Accumulated: 75.2kg

Mark’s thrilled by the 9.3kg and looking forward to the next week. Chris is very proud of his son and they’ve been catching up a lot on missed time.

Next up, pink girls Janet and Kirsten.

Janet Current: 99.7kg Janet Loss: 6.9kg

Kirsten Current: 93.9kg Kirsten Loss: 4.2kg

Total Loss: 11.1kg

Accumulated: 86.3kg

Janet’s the first to break the 100kg barrier and she’s so relieved. Janet’s always heard that it was harder to lose weight as you get older but she’s very proud of herself for doing so well.

Richard and Amber, the light blues, are second last. Mish is worried because while Richard has worked hard, Amber hasn’t.

Richard Current: 133.3kg Richard Loss: 6.4kg

Amber Current: 107.3kg Amber Loss: 4.3kg

Total Loss: 10.7kg

Accumulated: 97kg

Richard’s cheated a bit, snacking on things he shouldn’t’ve. Amber says she’s worked out too slowly but losing 4.3kg is a good result, she thinks, so she’s hoping for 5kg next week.

Gerald and Todd, the green team, only need to lose 3kg to reach the 100kg mark. They’re both quite confident they’ll get there, as they should be. Both boys have clearly worked hard this week.

Gerald Current: 145kg Gerald Loss: 14.1kg

Todd Current: 105.5kg Todd Loss: 6.7kg

Total Loss: 20.8kg

Accumulated: 117.8kg!

Even without the 7kg advantage they smashed it.

And Gerald’s 14.1kg is one of the best results for any season. Gerald’s struggled with the training, has only managed once a day some times and had trouble keeping the food down. He’s a little disappointed in his effort but Shannan’s not hearing any of it, Gerald’s definitely doing the best he can. Todd’s very proud of his Dad. Gerald and Todd also top the leaderboard of all the teams, though with no elimination it’s a moot point. They’re still The Biggest Losers though!

If they thought the last week was tough, it’s now time to ramp up the competition. Time to bring in some new blood!

Yep, time to introduce the blue and yellow teams! The “heavyweights” of the competition, Hayley says.

After another ad break… Sweet merciful crap, that is one HUGE lad. I thought the fatter one would be the adult with a chubby child but it’s the opposite.

Yellow is mother and daughter, Anita and Cher. Blue is Rosemary and Kevin.

Mark says it’s thrown a cat among the pigeons… or maybe a leopard among the pigeons. They’re all freaking out about how much weight they could lose. Kevin can barely move, it might take him a while. And all that loose skin. Erg.

They’re going to start with the ladies, Anita and Cher. Anita’s the Mum.

Anita Start: 117.6kg

Cher Start: 172.2kg

Combined: 289.8kg

The Mum isn’t so bad, Cher is just… horrific. I think she’s the heaviest female ever on the show? Would have to be close to it. Anita’s scared they’ll lose Cher due to her weight. I think Cher’s name is actually Cherlisa or something? Will check later. And be unsurprised if they live in Bogan Central, Western Sydney.

Cher’s 22. 22! And she weighs that? Dear god. Cher wants a baby. Presumably as an entree? She’s been with her boyfriend for 7 years (since she was 15? okayyy) and she doesn’t think she’d even be able to conceive at the moment, much less look after a baby.

Rosemary and Kevin now.

Rosemary Start: 100.1kg

Kevin Start: 254.7kg

Combined: 354.8kg

That’s just… he looks so young. How did he get so big? Gobsmacked. Utterly, hopelessly lost for words.

Kevin’s the heaviest contestant in Biggest Loser history, worldwide.

Kevin was expecting a big weight, of course, but not quite that high. And then he looks at his Mum’s weight and he’s two and a half of her. And she was eligible to be on the show. All the other contestants and the trainers are just standing there stunned.

Mish asks how old he is and he says 27. So he’s a bit older than I had thought, but still SO VERY YOUNG.

He says he’s not living the life someone his age should be. He can’t even get himself ready in the morning, he has her partner help him to get ready for work. He knows it needs to change though. Here’s hoping.

Shannan asks him what’s next if he can’t make it here? And Kevin says he can’t even go the surgical route because he’s too big for obesity surgery. Which is mindboggling. Shannan then asks what the next option is? And Kevin responds, “Death.” Fucking hell, man. Lots of them before have thought that’s the next step but it’s really never been more the case, has it? This kid is right on the edge.

Rosemary’s here to help save her son’s life. She’s determined to do it, too.

Next time they’re in the weigh in room it’ll be business as usual. Except that the heavyweights will have that “week one advantage” on the scales to keep them safe.

Tomorrow night! The first training session for the new contestants. The big fella Kevin is on a treadmill! Go Kev go!

Also, there’s an old style fridge on the weigh in stage for some reason. It’s about POWER. Or something.

And they’re going to the movies! To watch home movies from their loved ones to face some home truths.

OPEN THE FLOODGATES!

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