Previously on The Biggest Loser promises were made, cliffs were jumped and we discovered a partnership will win, rather than a single contestant!

Tonight, baptism of fire in the first training session, Mr Voiceover Man promises us. Later, bio ages. Always good for some horrified stares.

But first, the very first weigh in of the new season, woo!

Each contestant will weigh in with their partner and the first onto the scales will be Robyn and Katie. Orange girls!

Robyn Start Weight: 112.1kg Katie Start Weight: 136.8kg Combined Start Weight: 248.9kg

Not so bad, there’s been contestants who’ve weighed more than that… I think?

Katie doesn’t go out, doesn’t socialise, she just stays in her room because she’s lost confidence in herself. She’s afraid she’ll be judged and looked at so she avoids it all. It’s heartbreaking for Robyn, she knows the real Katie and Katie’s trapped in that body. And Robyn made her that way. Katie doesn’t blame her Mum though, she didn’t take Katie to work and force donuts and soft drinks down her throat. Robyn’s worried Katie won’t even make it to 30 at the rate she’s going. She’s only 19 but dying by 30 still seems fairly unlikely!

Next up, Richard and Amber. Light blue!

Richard Start Weight: 139.7kg Amber Start Weight: 111.6kg Combined Start Weight: 251.3kg

Amber doesn’t do anything if she’s not going to work. She gets up in the morning or sometimes the afternoon and it’s straight to food and TV. She’s not living anymore, she just exists. Richard says he doesn’t have a Mum anymore. She died a couple of months off 66. Diabetes, lung cancer, bone cancer. She was 150kg. It’s been there for generations now. Mish asks them if that set off alarm bells for them and it did, that’s why they’re on the show now! Amber wants to be open to letting light into her life and shutting out the darkness. And she’ll get there with the trainers help, she reckons.

Next up, Sam and Jess, red team! Jess hasn’t weighed herself in four or five years…

Sam Start Weight: 129.4kg Jess Start Weight: 134.1kg Combined Start Weight: 263.5kg

Sam’s in tears, aww. He’s devastated that Jess weighs more than him. Jess says he feels responsible because he was hard on the boys but easy on the girls. They could do whatever they want. Girls usually can, Jess. Jess says he’s a very strong man, even if he doesn’t look it right now! Sam just wants Jess to be happy. Mish says this is the best thing that could happen right now, they just got real. Yeah! Before they were imaginary fatties, now they’re REALLY REAL.

Mandy and Brett, grey team, next. Brett can’t remember the last time he took his shirt off in front of people. Mandy doesn’t feel so big, it’s only when she tries to buy clothes or see photographs or look in the mirror…

Mandy Start Weight: 113.3kg Brett Start Weight: 187.9kg Combined Start Weight: 301.2kg

Brett is the heaviest contestant in the competition this year. He’s not surprised and wonders what kind of idiot lets himself get like that. Well, I’d say you’re the kind of idiot! Brett’s not happy. Last time he was happy was when he was about 12, on the basketball court, they didn’t even win, he says. Just tied the game and that was the happiest moment of his life. He’s been unhappy half his life, as he’s 24 now. He’s promising the trainers unbelievable things!

Next, Team Pinkbits! Janet and Kirsten. The only person who’s seen Kirsten’s body is her boyfriend, she feels disgusting but it’s time to face up to it.

Janet Start Weight: 106.6kg Kirsten Start Weight: 98.1kg Combined Start Weight: 204.7kg

Pfffft. They’re short, but come on. Two lightweights! They just need to stop making excuses. Janet says she’s worried about Kirsten’s weight because high cholesterol runs in their family, as does diabetes. She’s terrified for Kirsten’s future. Janet thinks it’s just luck she hasn’t had any major issues herself yet. Kirsten’s worried because her Mum’s not looking to make the changes herself and she just sees her Mum as a hypocrit. When she looks at herself in the mirror she sees the most unattractive, ugly person. She wonders why or how her boyfriend can love her.

BECAUSE YOU’RE MORE THAN A NUMBER ON THE SCREEN, STUPID.

Gerald and Todd, green team!

Gerald Start Weight: 159.1kg Todd Start Weight: 112.2kg Combined Start Weight: 271.3kg

Gerald says, “It’s not good, is it?” Derrr. Gerald says Todd’s his shadow. Wherever Gerald goes, Todd follows. Whatever Gerald eats, Todd eats. It’s all Gerald’s fault! It was Sophie’s idea to come on the show, Todd says. Sophie’s very unwell herself but has been at her Dad to lose weight because she’s worried he’ll die on her. He’s tried but it’s so hard. You made poor Hayley cry, bad man!

Mish says he’s got himself into the right spot to be the Dad he needs to be. He’s a good Dad, he just doesn’t have the tools yet. Gerald says he’s not a good Dad but Todd’s hearing none of it, says he’s the best. Aww!

Chris and Mark, black team boys next. Chris wishes the ground would open up and swallow him. I wish the ground would open up and swallow Mark’s hideous tattooes. Two blue birds on the front of his shoulder and a cross with roses twined around it on his back. So it’s not just the twatty ear modifications he’s done!

Aaaanyway.

Chris Start Weight: 152.3kg Mark Start Weight: 162.9kg Combined Start Weight: 315.2kg

Mark’s only 23, what’s he see his life like at 162kg and Mark says it doesn’t seem any different to what his life was like 85kg, he’s tried not to let anything hold him back. Mish asks him to be honest. Mish asks if it never affects him. He says it really only does affect him occasionally. Commando Steve tells us he must be kidding himself.

And that’s the weigh ins done!

After another interminable ad break we’re treated to the contestants finally entering the proper part of the house. It’s all very brightly coloured and modern but homely. I like their fluffy blue carpet!

Weet-bix are picked up and breakfast is declared sorted. Sanitarium getting their product placement in nice and early… And only just before Nature’s Way get their time with krill oil tabs up on the shelves. What’s krill oil, Kirsten asks? One of the other contestants says it’s like fish oil, omega oil. It’s more concentrated than fish oil. VERY NATURAL CONVERSATION.

Then the bedrooms get filled up. The beds are comfy… but Janet snores, she’s worried! Some of the blokes are discussing snoring too. Maybe you should lose some weight, that’ll fix the snoring!

Richard runs his mouth a bit, swears a lot, which isn’t Gerald’s cup of tea apparently. Presumably he will have some very polite words with him at some point.

Kirsten has a panda kigurumi pyjama onesie! Cuuuute! Janet’s worried about Kirsten being in with the girls. There’ll be an explosion of personalities. Amber and Kirsten are pretty much the same person, Kirsten says.

Come on, it’s a room full of young women in difficult circumstances with tiredness common, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

But now, it’s time for some training! Out on the lawn first, hold a pushup position for a few then up on their feet. Some struggle even to hold the pushup position. Oh dear.

There’s no teams this year so they’ll be mixing it up with training and picking who they want to train on the day.

Commando Steve’s feeling greedy today, so he’s taking Robyn and Katie, Gerald and Todd, Chris and Mark. Chris is thrilled, Mark isn’t. God, this is going to get confusing all the teams swapping around.

Mish is taking Richard and Amber and Sam and Jess. Shannan’s left with Janet and Kirsten, Brett and Mandy.

Steve’s got his crew off in the sand pit straight up. Robyn doesn’t like sand, or sand bags, or getting dirty. Oh, this isn’t going to end well for her.

Katie’s quite happy though! Mark’s fearful. Yeah, you’re such a hard man with your tattooes and stupid ear piercings!

Steve says the fear can drive them. It’s back to basics, raw in your face training. This is their new home! At least when they’re training with Steve.

Mish says the kind of training she does is hard, but it helps them become the man or woman they can be, a man or woman of their word.

Mish tells them she’s going to make them so strong, so fit, they’re going to walk out of this house FREAKS. Unlike Mish, who walked in one, presumably.

And she’s got the big spew bucket out nice and early!

Shannan trains the same way he lives his life – hard but fair. Respect and integrity are paramount in his gym at all times. This is his brand new, old school, fight gym! Lots of cool old photos of cool old fighters on the walls and a beat up heavy punching bag, some spin bikes and a boxing ring, lots of weights and so on.

Shannan wants them training and thinking about their futures today.

Mark thought he was ready for training before starting but once it started he realised he wasn’t ready at all. They’re jogging round and round Steve trying to bring their knees up to their hands held up in front of them. Robyn was in the air force so she’s done it before, right? Robyn’s determined not to be the first to go down!

Mish is getting them to do jumping jacks at the start, then some pushups, then their warmup is done. Richard’s shocked. He’s already in pain and knackered!

Good, now get on the treadmills. Anyone want the sick bucket, Mish asks?

Jess can’t breathe. Smoking 50 cigs a day will do that and she knows it. She has to go off to the side and takes a knee with a bucket. Will she be the first to lose her breakfast?

Mish wants them all to remember this moment when they think about having a cigarette. Mish knows everything is a struggle for Jess, mostly because she can’t breathe.

Shannan’s very happy with most of his people’s efforts, as he’s been stuck mostly focusing on getting Brett to work hard. Janet says everything’s hurting, even felt like her earlobes were hurting. But she’s obviously very determined.

Brett’s feeling broken on the spin bike. Even on the lowest resistance he couldn’t push another rotation out. Shannan thinks he’s making excuses but Brett is adamant he’s not.

Steve’s certain Mark would struggle and it seems he’s right! Mark used to do muay thai, kickboxing and all that stuff, Steve asks him. So what’s happening? Steve says Mark claimed his weight didn’t affect him, but he was kidding himself and Mark admits it. Mark’s in denial, been drinking away his emotions and cigarettes to get away from it. Steve wants him to pick his game up.

RARRRRR! Mark’s started the shouting. Commando crawling through the sand, his weight didn’t affect him? He was wrong!

Shannan gets Brett outside for a chat as he’s not doing very well. Brett didn’t want to be emotional like this, but here they are, Shannan says. Take the anger and frustration and use it to motivate himself. It’s only the first day, don’t let it get to him. Brett’s been standing at the free throw line while his mates throw him the ball and the rest of the time he lives behind his computer.

Shannan says it’s time to stop living Brett’s life and start living Shannan’s. Get back in the gym!

First training session over and everyone’s sitting in the lounge. The trainers come in and remind them they’re dealing with generational issues and Mish says this is the first time in history that children might potentially have a shorter life expectancy than their parents. Time to introduce “resident doctor” Norman Swan.

Bio age time!

They’ve done medical and scientific and psychological testing and they can now predict what the children will look like when they’re their parents age. I can do that too. Take a picture of a gravestone, DONE.

Sam and Jess will be the first couple to go experience this weirdness. Jess’ junk food habit, poor lifestyle and smoking will be modeled year by year until she hits 42 like Sam. Pretty sure she’s just going to melt into a blob and early indications… yep. She’s turning into a hideously crinkly old potato looking woman. She looks more like 60. And Dr Swan says her life expectancy will be just 66. And Sam’s, if nothing changes, 69!

Jess will only have 20 more years of “healthy life”, Dr Swan says, with the last 25 years being full of disabilities like arthritis, cancer, trouble with infertility (at 42+ and morbidly obese it shouldn’t matter…) and so on. Jess has already had a mini stroke in her sleep. Mish needs them both to wake up. Jess knows why she has problems and doesn’t want to get to the point Dr Swan pointed out.

Katie and Robyn’s turn. Katie’s going to be turned into a 45 year old. She looks more like she’s in her 60s, too. And they’ve estimated her weight at 164kg at that point. She looks really awful. Like, just recently turned into a really fat zombie. Steve promises her she won’t turn into that person, he’s going to make sure it doesn’t happen. And Katie doesn’t want to be that person.

Gerald comes in alone. Steve says he’s alone because Todd’s 15 years of age and Steve doesn’t think it’s appropriate for him to see his future. Good on you, Steve. So, what will happen to Todd? When he’s 51 he’ll look much like Gerald, only grubbier. I swear they’ve rubbed digital dirt across the faces of all these digital representations. Gerald has type 2 diabetes and sleep apnea. Both of those are common side effects of being morbidly obese. Gerald says it’s not going to happen, he won’t let it happen to Todd. When they get back home there’ll be a big black garbage bag full of all the crap food in their house. And Todd’s deep fryer. Yes, he has his very own deep fryer!

Chris and Mark after the break. Mark looks like a slightly dirty thumb with grey hair. And somehow his gauged earlobes have shrunk. That isn’t how it works. Unless he splits them at some point and has to start over. Anyway, he’ll be 198kg, they reckon. Chris thinks Mark will be housebound by that point. And Mark can definitely see himself getting to that point. Steve reminds him that he thought his weight wasn’t a big problem, but he knows better now.

Mark knows he’s got to change, he doesn’t want to turn into that.

Kirsten and Janet next. Kirsten says it doesn’t look real, probably because it doesn’t. At 52 as if she’s still going to have such well done eyeliner. And a pierced nose. She’ll have blood vessels that won’t work so well, liver problems and probably diabetes. Janet’s hoping it’s given Kirsten a really big shock and that it gets her to change. No wonder your daughter thinks you’re awful, it’s because you’re really fucking awful!

Mandy and Brett next. Wow, Brett looks super rough. The left side of his face looks like it has bad scarring for some reason. And because they’ve made him look sad in the computer simulation, he doesn’t look happy, does he? No, no he does not. They should have given him a smile, then it wouldn’t seem so bad! Probably not the idea, is it? Mandy thinks Brett would be bedridden or in a wheelchair, unable to move. Brett doesn’t want to get to that point.

Richard and Amber. Amber says she looks like Nan, and Mum. Nan is the one who died, by the way. And yeah, she does quite a bit! Dr Swan says the last 30 years of her life will be spent in disability. Richard’s speechless. It’s where she’s headed though, if she doesn’t change.

Meanwhile Mish’s top has a porthole to her cleavage. Approve!

Tomorrow night, man versus machine. A drag race of fat people and a sweet jet fighter. Also approved!

Don’t forget you can follow @TBLRecap on Twitter to keep abreast of the latest happenings. See you tomorrow night!