And we’re off! Michelle’s getting in a creepy white van… where a bunch of TVs are set up so she can monitor the eating habits of the first contestant.

Jess is having breakfast. Breakfast is ice cream. A 4 litre tub of it. With Ice Magic! Delicious!

Todd’s next, Steve’s watching him cook up a bunch of dim sims and spring rolls and amazed they’re all for Todd.

Next is Janet with a bunch of chocolate biscuits on her lap and her husband conveniently arrives home so she shoves them beside the lounge chair so he doesn’t see them.

Jess is later seen getting a steak. And then another steak. And then a smaller steak. Presumably washed down with steak? Plus a bunch of quick snips of all the contestants eating all sorts of “junk”.

Mish says this year’s Biggest Loser is tackling generational obesity. Commando Steve says their lives hang in the balance and Shannan reckons the parents will be burying their children if they don’t get things in order.

Gerald has a sad because he’s got his son into appalling shape. What sort of father has he been? He’s in tears on the scales and Mish tells him he’s a good Dad, Gerald denies it and Todd says he’s the best!

RARRRRRRR! Black team youngster is a big shouter, it seems. Pink team have some shouty confrontations.

Mish runs! Mish suggests a big fella can go down pussy street or man up lane! Mish asks another girl how breakfast tastes the second time around!

Challenges include abseiling, boatrowing, planes? Truck pull! Water getting dumped on their heads… Okay, that’s not a challenge.

Shock twists! Heaviest contestant in the world, ever. Not sure if that’s a regular contestant because they don’t show who it is…

SO MANY THINGS. And if you fall I will catch you I will be waiting! Time after time… Okay, this is not an appropriate song, nobody could catch most of these people, they’re too big!

All that stuff and more, etc.

Finally the show gets started. The contestants are all crammed on a bus with some camera crew on the way to a destination unknown. Where does everyone think they’re going? Todd suggests they’re going to The Biggest Loser house. Well, we’ve got a fucking genius on our hands, it seems.

As it turns out they’re headed to the Whitlam Leisure Centre in Sydney… somewhere. (Liverpool, they tell us later.) And there’s hundreds of people lining up to get in. Yes, if you haven’t seen any of the ads they’re heading straight to that big crowd thing on their very first day. Random lady hops on the bus and gets them up and off the bus and into the venue.

Commando Steve, Shannan and Michelle are all waiting for them. Shannan says this isn’t the first time the trainers have seen them, they’ve been keeping an eye on the contestants for the past week. They know every dirty little habit that’s been going on behind closed doors. Cue horror!

Shannan says the influence they’re having on each other aren’t good and there’s going to be big changes that start right here. Mish wants them to make a promise to themselves and each other, a promise that will change their lives and the lives of their family. It might just be a promise for during the show or it might be one they keep for the rest of their life.

Steve says there’s 3,000 ordinary Australians waiting to see them. They’re the main event!

Pink youngster is terrified! Sorry, names are a mystery still at this point!

Gerald’s trying to keep Todd calm backstage, they’re in their green shirts. Todd’s super nervous.

Orange youngster doesn’t like crowds. Doesn’t like people watching her and it’s worse when all the attention is focused on her. Well, going on Biggest Loser was a smart decision!

Orange get dragged out to their doom first. The crowd is cheering and clapping and they’re not even out on the catwalk yet.

After an ad break we see Shannan, Steve and Michelle step up on stage to say hello to the crowd and welcome them to the biggest Biggest Loser event they’ve ever had. Shannan tells us the contestants have to draw a line in the sand and prove they’re ready, willing and able to change their lives.

Robyn and Katie are the first two out onto the stage. Katie actually feels worse because the crowd sounds so supportive. Robyn says they want to see them and Katie tells us she needs to do this to get her confidence back.

They walk out through what looks like a fighter’s entrance. Just needs some rollicking music!

Robyn says they’re there because they deal with their emotions with food. And it’s gotten out of control, she’s ashamed of herself and she doesn’t like what she’s done to herself and her daughter. Katie’s become just like her. In the requisite mirror shot Katie says she doesn’t see anything that’s worth anything. Robyn says she’s sorry and she just wants to fix it. And she says Katie is beautiful. Awww!

Katie says to the crowd she stuffed up, she should have learned to say no. It’s not her Mum’s fault, she loves her Mum and it’s not her fault. And she’s going to do it! So many tears already!

Now Steve pushes his way through the crowd and hops up on the little stage with Robyn and gives her a big hug and tells her he’ll hold her to that promise. Robyn jumps up and down squealing afterwards, as does Katie after Steve does the same for her. Meanwhile Mish is laughing her arse off and Shannan’s having a good giggle back on their bit of stage. Steve you doofus!

Gerald and Todd are up next. Todd’s only 15 so Gerald’s telling himself to be strong because Todd’s sure to be more nervous.

“My name’s Gerald. That’s my son Todd.” Gerald’s daughter has spina bifida and heart problems. Poor thing. :-( Lots and lots of operations, including many major ones, Gerald says. Todd’s had to watch what his sister has gone through. Gerald says he’s been there for his daughter her whole life but he’s been passing his bad habits onto Todd. Gerald tells the crowd he caused what’s happened to Todd and he’s promising to change his life not for the next 3 months but for the rest of his life. He wants to be there for his whole family. He’s been there for Sophie, now he’s got to be there for Todd.

Todd’s been teased a lot. He comes home and eats a lot, which he knows is stupid. He’s going to lose the weight and then tell those bullies… fuck off? No, just “look at me now.”

Yeah, they’re not going to stop because you’re thin, dude. Just learn your shit and get the hell out of school!

Janet and Kirsten are up next. They’re the pink ladies! Their little stages have stars on them!

They’re very up and down, Kirsten says. They’re shopping in a flashback bit and Janet asks if there’s anything in her size and Kirsten says no and Janet says she didn’t think there would be. RUDE! Janet’s trying to put on a show for the camera, I think. Kirsten seems really uncomfortable with her Mum’s attentions. Kirsten thinks her Mum’s a hypocrite because Janet’s always badgering her about her weight but Janet’s overweight too. Janet says they have a purpose in life and there’s a plan for them.

Then Shannan’s sneaked up behind Janet and puts her hand on her shoulder and Janet turns around and stares a moment then squeals and hugs him. Kirsten’s annoyed because she wanted to hug Shannan! Janet’s promising to support Kirsten and to be a better role model for her family and the rest of the country. And maybe grandchildren? Not yet, says Kirsten. Kirsten’s going to be there for her Mum and support her.

Grey gets a quick highlight reel appearance. Grey Mum promises Grey Brett they’ll come out better people.

Blue Daughter promises to find the happy person inside. Blue Dad promises to support her and pick her up if she falls down. Black Dad says it’s the first day of the rest of his life. Idiot Black Son with the stupid gauged earlobes will never ever be that size again. Red daughter wants to make her Dad proud. He’s always been proud, he says. But he’s there to support her 100%!

Steve says the contestants think that’s it, but it isn’t. Now it’s time for phase two.

Phase Two appears to be the Face Your Fears thing! Day One instead of right near the end of the season.

They’re having a bushwalk first to the location. The trainers are trying to get them to walk faster and get to where they’re going. Orange Mum is wearing wedges instead of sensible shoes!

“I’m not jumping off that!” Already with the doubts!

Shannan says it’s time for them to prove they’re going to honour their promises. He tells them all to have a look around but they’ve not been brought up here for the view.

Way off in the distance are two flags on the beach. The flags represent their ticket into The Biggest Loser. The only thing between them and those flags is the cliff in front of them, so they’ll have to jump off!

Lots of dubious muttering. Todd is very scared of heights!

Mish says they’ll be jumping off the cliff and saying goodbye to the weight that’s been holding them back. Mish tells us they want to see if they’re really committed to making this change.

Mandy, Grey Mum, seems the most terrified by the idea. Shannan has a chat with her right away. She’s worried she won’t have air to come back up. She usually only swims in a metre of water, keeps her feet on the bottom. She’s not a strong swimmer! Brett’s very worried about his Mum, especially seeing her so upset. He knows she’s not confident around water.

Brett’s 24. Shannan asks Mandy how his future looks if they don’t do this and she says it’s bad, that’s why they’re on there. They don’t talk a lot about weight because she had low self esteem herself when she was young. She didn’t want him to feel like that, too. But maybe some tough love might have helped. Mandy says if she doesn’t do it then Brett can’t get in. Neither of them get in if they don’t jump.

Steve’s having a chat with Todd, who’s looking pretty antsy too. Steve says he might be seen as a dude in camo pants, singlet and sunnies and yes, he’s served in the Australian military. But he wasn’t born without fear, he had a fear of heights, too. And how’d he overcome it, Todd? “By doing it.”

Green is up first, presumably to prevent tidal waves if they all go at once. Or trying to save too many of them with tiny canoes when they can’t swim for shit.

Todd’s scared but he’s going to do it. Gerald says no worries! But confides to us he was crapping himself. Bwahaha! Steve is pleased Gerald’s looking confident as it will help Todd.

Steve then warns us cliff jumping is dangerous and should not be performed without professional supervision.

And to demonstrate it’s perfectly safe, Steve strips his shirt off, walks to the edge and casually leaps off. To much hooting and hollering from the ladies.

Then Steve counts them down from the bottom… 3, 2, 1, GO!

Both lads pause for a moment then both set off at the same moment and leap straight in. Good job, lads! Todd tells us he wants to do it again and asks his Dad if he remembers how to get there, what’s it called?

Steve is thrilled the two boys got straight on with it, sets the tone well for the rest of the contestants.

Sam and Jess are next. Sam’s jazzed, Jess is a little nervous but Mish says that’s good, it means their pulse is pumping and they’re living! Sam wants to be a better parent at the end. He’s leaving the old, lazy, excuse-laden Sam behind up the top.

Sam and Jess both jump in without hesitation as well.

Brett and Mandy are next. Mandy still looks horrified. Shannan is very worried they mightn’t jump at all. Mandy says she can’t believe she’s going to do this in a minute. She’s petrified, she confides in us.

Shannan gives them the countdown and Brett casually strolls up to the edge and jumps off. Mandy doesn’t move. She gets a bit closer to the edge with some shaky steps but still can’t go through with it. Not something you want to half-arse!

Shannan says Mandy’s self destructing already and he wants to show he’s with her all the way. He strips off his shoes and socks and his top – I don’t think he was planning on doing this at all today. Mandy’s not sure she wants Shannan to jump too. Mandy will do it when she’s good and ready, she says!

The soft love approach isn’t working, Shannan tells us. This has got to stop, it’s not working in their household. It’s the chance for Mandy to step up and be a role model for her son. She can do this! 3, 2, ooh flip!

The safety officer comes over for a chat and explains that the thing to do is to just focus on what you’ve got to do on the way down. Hands in, squeeze your butt, look out at the horizon, legs together and you’ll be in the water before you know it. If she can’t do it… Mandy says she has to do it, she can’t not do it or they don’t get into the show.

Then, after one final baulk, Mandy finally manages to leap clear of the cliff. YAY MANDY!

Everyone up top is cheering and excited for her. Mandy’s telling us afterwards that she held everyone up for like half an hour! Nobody seems to mind.

Robyn and Katie are ready to go. Not at all worried, really. Robyn tells us she was ready to push people aside so she could have her turn already. The Katie up top isn’t the real Katie. Katie’s life has been the four walls of her bedroom disappearing into her computer games.

And what’s wrong with that, Steve? :-P

Robyn casually walks to the edge and jumps off… following Katie who was pretty much busting into a run to get off and get it done. These two should be good fun to watch!

Mish is excited that their rest of them are going quite happily. Idiot Black Son hesitates and his Dad goes down first.

Everyone else jumps off with no drama, even the pink girls!

Then one of the contestants calls up it’s the trainers turn now!

The trainers walk to the edge and Shannan and Steve get their tops off… and Michelle pretends she’s going to take her top off too. LESS PRETENDING, MORE DOING!

Only one way into the house, Shannan says!

The trainers are, of course, all bang up for it. Mish and Steve pretty much run off the edge and Shannan takes a big leap.

Everyone’s shown they’re made of the right stuff.

And now… IT’S THE WHITE HOUSE!

Or *A* white house, anyway. They’re not at the army barracks anymore. New digs look pretty spiff, I must say.

And then Hayley comes wandering out to greet them all. She says it’s the brand new Biggest Loser house and it’s the place they’ll call home for the next 11 weeks.

Generations of Australians have had obesity passed down among them. It stops here!

There’ll be breakdowns and breakthroughs but they’ll have the support of their Mums, Dads, Sons and Daughters. They’ll be there through thick and thin. They’ll weigh in and get eliminated together. It’ll be teams the whole way through. And at the end one couple will win, for the first time ever!

Richard’s feeling even more pressure now because he’s got to stay there for his daughter.

Winning couple will receive $200,000 between them.

Oh, but they’re not moving in just yet, Hayley says. Just one more thing to do before they can move in.

Yep, time to get on the scales for the very first time this season.

Oooh, the new weigh in room is pretty shiny and nice. Everyone’s a bit nervous. But there’s no going back now!

TOMORROW NIGHT! It’s all weigh-ins, all the time! Numbers! Emotions! Truths!

Then the first training session. Looks to be full of sweat, tears and puke! Also, bio ages.

And the weekly challenge will be the “most epic in Biggest Loser history”. Some kind of drag race. They’re dragging. Stuff. Across the grass at an airstrip. While Steve gets a ride in the cockpit of a fancy jet! “Awesome.” Yes, Commando Steve. Yes you are.

(Don’t forget to follow @TBLRecap on Twitter for updates as the season progresses!)