Australia’s one of the fattest nations on Earth, Shannan, Michelle, Commando and Tiffiny tell us.
And it’s costing us a lot of money and costing some a chance at happiness and love and you can expect a lot more of that as the series goes on!

But first a short montage of past seasons… followed by the announcement that this year, instead of couples or families we’re back to singles.

GOT IT? SINGLE FATTIES. LOOKING FOR LURVE. And not the temporary fix of a tub of ice cream and a chick flick!

Lots of shots of the various contestants facing themselves in their underpants-clad reflections in the mirror. And tears about nobody wanting to be with someone so fat.

Sixteen unattached Australians getting pushed by the country’s toughest trainers. All four of the trainers are looking even more ripped than ever. Michelle, in particular, has abs you could bounce a sammich off!

And, of course, the challenges and Temptations to push them to the breaking point – and beyond. One of Tiffiny’s charges throws in the towel at one point during a workout.

Biggest Brother Loser! Yes, they’ve gone ahead and installed spy cameras and microphones all over Camp to catch the sneaky binge eating and the friendships forming… and the early stages of courtship! Awww, chubby love!

But of course it’ll all come down to the weight lost each week as measured by the Scales of Doom.

Tonight! The competition begins with the trainers heading to the four corners of Australia to pick up their new team members. Meeting them at home or at their jobs or even at a restaurant!

As the show proper starts a very dark storm is rolling in over Camp Biggest Loser and the rain starts falling down as Tiffiny and her White Team stroll through the gates and up to Hayley – who has an umbrella! But she’s not sharing it.
Tiff coaxes her team into a jog to their mark to chat with Hayley. Hayley welcomes them and Tiffiny says she’s very excited to have all girls for her warriors this year.

Next team in the gates is Michelle’s Red Team. Mish is asking them all if they’re pumped and the older ladies are doing a much slower jog to their start place.
The Red Team girls all greet the White Team with hugs and hellos.
Hayley asks Brenda what she thinks of the White Team, “Piece of cake!” Oh dear, the bad humour has started early this year!

Hayley tells the girls that the show this year is all about Singles. That’s what everyone has in common this time – no husbands, boyfriends or partners.

Brenda had a boyfriend four years ago. Michelle (the contestant) has never had a boyfriend though first she says it’s just been a while since she’s had one. She breaks into tears and has to turn away momentarily.

THREE DAYS EARLIER!

Tiffiny says it’s one thing to be obese, that’s horrible, but to be obese and lonely? That’s a lot worse.
Tiff’s first pickup as she wanders the country is Michelle – who’s never experienced love but Tiffiny’s going to change that!
Tiff arrives in the middle of a family BBQ and introduces herself. She’s come with good news – Michelle’s in!

Michelle’s 24. She’s never had a boyfriend, never been on a date. She doesn’t even make eye contact with boys, she feels like she’s doing them a favour.

Looking at herself in her underwear in the mirror is… Yikes. She doesn’t look quite that solid with her clothes on, it’s pretty ugly with them off.
She got bullied a lot in school, more in primary school than high school, interestingly.
She wants a relationship, husband, kids, white picket fence etc.

Michelle confesses to Tiffiny that she’s never even kissed a boy. While they sit on Michelle’s bed eating CAKE. omnomnom.

Mish then rocks up to Margie’s pizza shop! Margie lets out a few swears when she sees who’s wandered in. I think we’re going to get along just fine!
Margie says she guesses Mish isn’t there to buy a pizza and Mish quickly confirms that.
Margie comes out from behind the counter and gets a big hug from Mish. And as they separate Margie apologises for touching Mish’s boob. Jealous!
Margie then tells Mish she’s glad to be on her team but Mish might be a bit distracting because she’s a fantastic looking woman.
Yeahhhh, maybe you can’t find a woman because you’s crazy!

Margie tells us she’s obviously not straight. And she’s 34. She needs to be there because she’s let herself go a bit.
She’d like to find someone lovely to settle down with but she admits she couldn’t love someone her size, so how could someone else?

Tiff rocks up to Kasey’s house to tell her that she’s in. Kasey asks if she’s joking and she says no, she doesn’t joke. Really? I guess Ed’s not rubbed off on her too much after all.

As it were.

Mish turns up after an ad break and she’s at a school in the pouring rain looking for Lisa. She just walks straight into Lisa’s classroom with a camera in tow and we’re expected to believe that’s not a set up? Mmmkay!
Mish asks the class if Lisa makes them work hard in class and they say yes! So should Mish make Lisa work hard in training? Yes!
Lisa’s 42 and has two sons. 21 and 19. She’s been single for a long time. She’s been putting her kids first for a long time but now it’s time for her to put herself first now she’s done that.
She doesn’t want to be the lazy Mum on the couch anymore and if she happens to find someone to share her life with? Well…

Tiff rocks up to the Batchelor Institute of Indigenous Tertiary Education and strolls into what looks like a hospital ward? Time to meet Selena!
She’s Tiffiny’s deaf contestant and has to put her hearing aid in first. She finally manages to say hello to Tiffiny and promises Tiff she’ll work really hard.
Selena’s a nursing student. She has profound hearing loss in her left ear and wears a hearing aid in her right ear – meaning she’ll be able to hear tiny Tiffiny yelling at her just fine!
She’s never been in love, never been on a first date. When she sees a guy she might like she doesn’t say anything because why would they like her?

Mish wanders up to some hippy looking house in rural Tasmania to pick up Lydia. She’s 34 and wants to change the person she is on the inside and the outside.
She says she’s loved people before and had relationships but never been in love? She thought she had but not really.
She does a slow turn in front of the camera and says nobody should look like this and I have to agree. Her legs are really quite shockingly large. Sure, she’s heavy in the torso as well but she really is the very definition of pear shaped.
Lydia can’t see herself being with anyone because why would anyone want to be with her?
Mish says they’re going to spend a lot of time working on her self esteem and Mish may just get her married off yet!

Back at Camp it’s still pouring rain and Hayley says there’s 8 girls here and only two teams. So what’s missing? “BOYS!” Lots of interest from the ladies and Mish asks Hayley if she can tell they’re single.

Meanwhile Margie’s already perfectly content with 10 other women there already. Men? Who needs men?! This doesn’t get pointed out, of course.

Shannan and his Blue Team run in first.
James says he’s never had eight women screaming for them to come out before, that’s a new one.
Ryan says there’s some nice looking ladies on the parade ground, CUT TO BRENDA. Helloooooooooooo?

Then Commando Steve and his Black Team rock up. It’s stopped raining for the most part. Hello and handshakes all round.
Graham says he had a tear in his eye, awww!
Commando says his Team looks tough. Alex then spoils that tough impression by declaring Camp Biggest Loser to be “grouse”.

They’re all feeling a bit of togetherness at the moment, James says, which is good. They’re all finally together!

Shannan’s picking James up from a pub where he’s playing his guitar and singing. He has braces on his teeth though and it makes that distinctive braces lisp while he’s singing. So maybe not quite as much of a hit with the ladies as first thought?
James has been in love before. Love bites, he says. Last relationship was intense and ended badly.
James is pictured pouring milk into a fucking MIXING BOWL FULL OF COCO POPS. I’m not sure whether to be horrified or jealous. I love Coco Pops so much!
He says that at the moment he can’t even imagine approaching a girl. But he wants to have somebody to love and so something needs to change.

Commando Steve rocks up to an RSL? To pick up Shane. How scary would that be?!

Shannan rocks up to the bar Luke works at to pick him up and in his bar attire? He doesn’t really look that fat.

Steve turns up to what looks to be a fire station next? To pick up Graham who is in the middle of a huge sandwich. Steve says he looks to have gotten there just in time!
Graham breaks into tears when Steve says he’s made it into The Biggest Loser and has to sit down. He’s apparently a volunteer firefighter, which is mind boggling given how huge he is.
Graham’s never had a girlfriend but he thinks it’s not due to his personality or heart, which everyone says he has a heart of gold. Awww!
He loves his nieces and nephews and it makes him sad because he doesn’t have any kids of his own.

Shannan turns up to Hamish’s workplace – looked to be a Toyota office? Shannan says hello and Hamish says hello, how are ya? While holding a delicious looking pink donut!
Shannan tells Hamish he’s going to Camp Biggest Loser and I think he about had a heart attack on the spot. Which would be appalling for a 20 year old!
He’s never had a girlfriend either, never been in love. He finds it hard to talk to new women and he thinks he’s not the sort of person they’d talk to.
Six times a week he goes to Mount Koutha? (Not sure. Someone correct me!) And eats takeaway Mexican in the car by himself. He sees that as a chance to chill out and relax.
He eats takeout food almost every night. He eats homecooked food about once a month when he goes home to see his family in NSW.
Shannan says it’s heartbreaking to see a guy so broken at such a young age.

Commando Steve struts into Simon’s house next and tells him the fun and games are over! Time to go to Camp Biggest Loser!

Ryan’s next to get picked up by Shannan. He’s sitting on a couch watching TV at the time. And he’s sitting on more than one cushion of it. Yikes!
Ryan says going to Camp would change his life.

Steve rocks up to a supermarket – the one where Alex works as a butcher! His nickname is Big Al but he’s hoping to be Little Al by the time he’s done.
Alex takes Steve to lunch and Alex fills his plate to overflowing and says he’ll probably have some more meat afterwards too. Steve tries to keep up but can’t manage it.

Alex then does the underpantsmirror thing and he’s by far the most horrifying thus far. Others may end up weighing more than him but because he’s shorter it’s all concentrated in him. His gut hangs out and over his junk and down almost to his knees. HIS KNEES!
And his flesh is all mottled and veiny and oh I hope he doesn’t get eliminated too early.
He says no girl would want him in his current state. But love is beautiful! And he wants to go out with his girl and show her off while she shows him off.
Love is grouse!

As Hayley welcomes them all to Camp the rain starts coming down a bit harder.
Hayley points out their names on their shirts and their ages underneath. Tiff has the women under 30, Mish has the women over 30. Shannan has the men under 30, Commando Steve has the men over 30!

They’re all there to change their lives and the first step is to weigh in. So let’s get them all dried off and into the weigh-in room.
Margie says she thinks there’s a few who’d like to just stay out in the rain.

Welcome to your first weigh in!

Hayley reminds them they’re all on the cusp of some of the toughest days of their lives. But it will ultimately be very rewarding. Especially for one person – this year’s grand prize is bigger than ever before.

This year the winner will walk away with $250,000. A quarter of a million dollars. That’s a whole lot of cakes!

But don’t worry guys, you won’t be facing the scales alone. You’ve hidden your true weights from those closest to you for years but now they’re all here to watch you be publically embarassed!

Simon’s got his two sons there. One of his sons has those stupid plugs in his ears instead of nice, normal, sensible earrings. BAH HUMBUG! Kids these days! Etc.

Mish’s Red Team will be weighing in first with Lydia going first. Her parents are there for support. Her dad’s face falls when he sees Lydia take her shirt off and hop on the scales.

Lydia’s Weight: 141.9kg

Her Dad starts crying. Lydia herself is managing to hold back the tears to start with. She says her weight has been holding her back because it’s the first thing anyone ever sees of them.
When Hayley asks her Dad what it’s like seeing her there, that finally gets Lydia’s waterworks started. Her Dad is a bit of a blubbering mess and I can’t really say what he was talking about.

Lisa’s next. She’s been raising two boys on her own and it’s been tough. She looks to be one of the lighter women but we’ll see…

Lisa’s Weight: 104.2kg

Her emo kid son starts crying and Lisa flaps a hand at him and tells him, “Don’t!”
Her boys are off doing things on their own now but she doesn’t go out on her own, doesn’t have anyone to share life experiences with.

Margie’s turn. She’s so scared she actually baulks when her name is called and considers running away. But Lydia talks her into it.
Six years ago she weighed 92kg and was a size 12-14.

Margie’s Weight: 159.1kg

Margie’s Mum actually looks to be SMILING when her weight is revealed? What the hell, man?
Margie says she’s disgusted and admits that she felt like running away but she knew Lydia would chase her so she couldn’t.
Margie says she’s had a great life, great parents, just she’s chosen the wrong path and this is the end result. She’s the only to blame. She tries to make people happy and laugh but when she gets home she’s alone and has nothing.

Brenda’s last for the Red Team.

Brenda’s Weight: 120.8kg

She looks pretty round all over but I’m surprised she’s only 120. She struggled to have a child with someone she was in a relationship with for eight years. Her partner left her and has now gone off and had a family with someone else. Brenda says that’s the hard part, losing the love of her life.
Brenda’s sister has had children herself while Brenda was trying for her own child. But the sister says she’s a damn good Aunt!

Commando Steve’s team is next. Starting with Alex!

Alex’s Weight: … WILL BE REVEALED TOMORROW NIGHT?

Son of a bitch!

Tomorrow night the rest of the weights are revealed and the embarassing world record will be set. Obviously that’s the hook to get us back for a second night running.
Following in the rest of the week, training starts! The Doctor is back in to tell them they’re the fattest group EVER. They show them a truck full of all the fat in their bodies. And they find out their biological ages again. And the first Challenge will be towing a Sydney Ferry, using rowboats. What?

Then a chat in the Loser Lounge reveals all the sad stories behind their lives. Tears will be shed – including from Hayley! Margie will comfort one of the dudes. Dogs and cats start living together.

Erm. Also, Tiffiny ends up throwing one of her contestants out of the Dojang!

Exciting times ahead. Who’s everyone’s favourites so far?