And we’re back!

And we’re already into the recap footage before the show has even started!

Mr Voiceover tells us it’s a family year this time around. Sisters, brothers, fathers, nephews, etc. Four families, four trainers. Including Tiffiny SCREAMING as she snaps some boards!

Family ties will be stretched to the limit. Lots of dramatic walkoffs in the future, lots of people screaming at each other and at their trainers. One even declares she hates Trainer Tiffiny.

The 2011 challenges will be supersized, there’s an arena competition each week of some kind. The trainers will be spending a week with their families, as you’ve seen from the ads, but they’ll also be weighing in for the first time. Presumably prior to their week away and then again afterwards!

And… there’s a new theme song? “We Are Family”? Bring back Shannon Nollllllllll!

Finally all the preliminaries are out of the way and we get into the meat of the show.

Shannan, Michelle, Tiffiny and Commando Steve are walking up the drive.

Shannan’s been a trainer for nineteen years. His philosophy on training is the same as in life – hard but fair. Hard training, good nutrition and a hell of a lot of blood, sweat and tears will get his family fit.

Tiffiny’s been instructing in Taekwondo since she was ten years old! Her philosophy for training comes from martial arts – train the mind first and then the mind trains the body.
And she’s one of those crazy people who scream when she breaks boards. It’s okay, you can do it quietly!

Commando Steve says this is his fifth season of Biggest Loser and this year he’s upping the ante. He’s been in the military for the past decade. His philosophy is that there are no excuses.

Michelle’s been a personal trainer for over 20 years. Almost 25, according to her Twitter the other day! Her style of training is consistency. She wants her contestants to gain some self respect.

And they’re back in front of Hayley who is loitering in front of Camp Biggest Loser.

Hayley prattles on for a bit about how they’re there to train a family of four each. But the families aren’t at Camp. They’re at home. And the trainers will be paying them a visit!
Steve seems quite excited by that! He’s obviously envisioning pushups in their own backyards. Michelle and Tiffiny have a laugh with each other.
Then Hayley drops the bombshell – they’ll be staying for a whole week. They’ll eat when their families eat and what they eat and will only be allowed to exercise if their contestants choose to do so themselves.

“We eat their food?” – Michelle
“Junk food?!” – Tiffiny
“Nooooooooo?!” – Shannan

Then Hayley hands out some snazzy cased phones. Look to be iPhones? In coloured cases according to their teams. Shannan and Michelle are looking at each other’s phones and giggling. Tiffiny just seems engrossed in her phone!
The trainers are told to ring their families and tell them to prepare a spare bed!

Shannan rings Sharlene Westren first. Sharlene seems surprised. Even though there’s a camera there so they must’ve known something was up!
Shannan announces he’ll be their trainer.
Sharlene’s “the boss”. Apparently. She’s been known as the “Psycho Mum” though she seems to think that’s great.
She’s a control freak. Leigh (her son) tries to be the boss but she still rules him.
Lara, Leigh’s girlfriend, is a sweetheart. And Craig, Sharlene’s husband, “is like a little lap-dog.” Lovely!

Then we’re back to the phone call, Shannan telling them he’s coming to stay for a whole week and the family laughs.

Michelle then rings her team. She asks if they know who it is and one of them nods but Damien, who answered the phone says no. Come on, she has a distinctive voice!
The Challenors are thrilled to have Michelle as their trainer it seems.
Damien’s the mortar that keeps them together, Nathaniel’s the brains, Joe’s the go-getter and Greg…? Greg’s a good talker.
Then they engage in some manly belly thumps! And one falls flat on his butt! (Thanks for reminding me, Puppy!)

Commando looks at his team on the phone – it’s all women! Steve shudders. He only had brothers and he’s been in the army for so many years. It’s going to be a challenge!
Sarah’s the one who answers the phone for his team. They’re made to guess who it is and then one of them realises and asks, “It’s not the Commando?” “Yes, this is the Commando!”
Cue much giggling from the girls and shuddering from The Commando!
The Moons claim they’re strong. It’s two sisters and two cousins.

They’re all smiles and laughter for now.

Sarah-Jayne answers the phone from Tiffiny. She realises it’s a Biggest Loser person but isn’t sure who. Tiffiny says she’ll be their trainer.
They’re The Duncans and they’re “F” “A” “T” “Fat.”
Sarah-Jayne is the eldest, Meg and Emma are twins and Jarrod is the baby boy of the group at 23. Though Sarah-Jayne says there’s “nothing small about him, either”. Ew. Ew ew ew.

Shannan tells us he’s not worried about meeting his family, just about living with them for a week. Michelle’s excited, she thinks both will learn a lot. Steve says it’s “SOP” to leave Camp via a chopper but he’s not sure what’ll be at the other end. SOP stands for Standard Operating Procedure, Steve explains.

Day 1 with the Westrens. Shannan’s apprehensive, more so than he ever has been before. His whole life has been dedicated to health and fitness and he’s about to sabotage that.
Craig says their weight has sabotaged their relationship and he’s looking forward to getting back to where they were 25 years ago because (sniffle!) his wife is everything to him. Awww!

Sharlene and Craig have a daughter with cerebral palsy and Sharlene’s worried she won’t be around to look after Emma, the daughter, as she’s her primary carer at present.

Lara and Leigh are “very much in love”. Leigh says Lara doesn’t want to get married because she’s overweight and Leigh can understand that.

Lunch at the Westrens is interrupted by Shannan BREAKING INTO THEIR HOUSE! Bad man!
Emma’s one of the first to see him and she breaks into a massive grin because she knows she’s not going on the show!

Shannan gets his people sorted out, introducing himself around. Shannan asks for a plate and Sharlene asks if he’s really staying there and he says absolutely! Sharlene then offers him her bed which Shannan says would be a bit weird.

Off with The Duncans Emma is told to savour her chocolate because it’s the last she’ll have a while. She grins and gobbles it more.
Tiffiny says they’re all in their 20s and they should be living their lives to the full and her job this week is to find out why they’re not.
They start talking about “this Tiffiny chick” just as Tiffiny knocks on the door and introduces herself.

Tiffiny gets them up out of their chairs to have a good look at them and shakes their hands.

Tiffiny then tells The Duncans about the whole “everything they do she has to do”. Jarrod immediately offers to get her a beer which Tiffiny says she’s never had one of in her life.
Hoo boy!

Then they’re off to the pub for lunch/dinner. The Duncans get to pick what Tiffiny eats. Scary.
Garlic bread to start. Tiffiny already looks horrified.
Then some piece of bread with tomato and ham and onion and tomato sauce on it. She takes a big bite of it though.
Then she tells her family that the amount of food there is enough to keep her going and training for two days!

And that’s what they’re starting on!

Then… I don’t even know what the waiter puts in front of Tiffany. It has bread crumbs and I think some ham and cheese and oil and chicken. Jarrod’s trying to talk it up but Tiff’s already struggling a lot.
Jarrod says to think of the flavours like the oil and chicken and if she won’t eat it, he will. He usually eats all the leftovers. Tiffiny is horrified and says that what’s on her plate isn’t even food.
She manages to shovel more down while someone in the background looks on.
Shortly thereafter Tiffiny is in the (surprisingly well maintained and lit) bathroom of the pub. She looks very distressed and says she feels disgusting and can already see the physical effects of eating that crap. Her stomach is bloated and she’s had to undo the top button of her jeans. Which she demonstrates by pulling up her shirt and pulling her jeans down a little. Nice!
She also has a belly piercing!

Then we get the bit from the ad where Tiff is in bed crying about having always treated her body like a temple and tonight she treated it like a nightclub.

Steve’s a little scared by having to spend a week with the Moon family. But he thinks he’ll learn a lot that will help him change their lives.
The girls are sitting down to a massive lunch of creamy potato bake and god knows what else. There’s four of them and they’ve got platters on the table that would feed most regular families.

Sarah says she sort of dribbled a little bit on seeing The Commando, even though she likes girls. There’s something about seeing someone so healthy!

Jodie, Kelly, Rebecca and Sarah are made to line up and sound off then Steve announces he’s here to stay! He’s going to live a week in their shoes, he’s going to learn why they’re the way they are.

Michelle’s being all Secret Squirrel, sneaking up on her Challenor family at a big family lunch. They’ve got about a dozen plates with food on the table and Michelle says she was surprised to see that much food for the four of them.
Damien struggles to get out of his chair after lunch and needs Nathaniel’s help. Not a good sign!

Steve asks his family where his plate is and tells them all to stop being finicky, he’ll sit in the middle and tuck in with the rest of them. He’s surprised at how many carbs are on the table.
Potato bake, pasta bake, lasagne, potato, pumpkin, all on the table.
The girls all think it’s a bit of a joke at this point but Steve says to us that, in all seriousness, it’s killing them.

Sarah’s had someone tell her she’s the epitome of ugliness. In the typical mirror shot she says she’s ashamed of herself right now.
She’s become a bit of a recluse in her home. She doesn’t like to go out and about the furthest she goes is to the letterbox.
Sarah then breaks down at lunch after Steve asks them all what brought them to this.

Michelle sits down with her boys in the lounge room and says she’s sure she can get them to where they need to be but first she needs to know what she’s working with.
So first, she wants them to get up and take their shirts off.

YOU FIRST, MICHELLE!

The lads all get up and bare their bellies and Michelle’s head just drops. Michelle says it’s scary, they’re walking time bombs.

Damien’s one of their biggest contestants ever. But he can do it, he says. He’s enjoyed putting it on but he’s going to enjoy taking it back off, too.
He’s always been big, but never this big. He has a huge belly that hangs out a ways and down below his boybits. Awful.

Steve’s been spending the day with Kelly. They’ve sat in the car eating burgers and chips. Which Steve finds bewildering.
Kelly was surf lifesaver of the year when she was younger but she started eating takeaway three times a day while she was pregnant because she couldn’t bring herself to cook anything.
Steve asks her about her junk food habit and if the little ones have the same and she confirms it and Steve just shakes his head. And then says “We’re going to change it.” Kelly says she hopes so and Steve says there’s no “hope so”, it’s going to happen!

Michelle’s sitting down to watch TV with Greg. And eat frankfurts. Greg’s tried diets and tried getting his brothers to help but now he disgusts himself, he hates himself.
Michelle says it’s so sad, them sitting on the couch all day eating crap.
But she’s being a trooper and still eating with him. She says it’s no wonder he’s depressed, she’s depressed and she’s only done it for a day or so.

Michelle says it’s disgusting and then she has to run off to the bathroom and pukes up everything she’s just eaten. Greg asks if she’s okay and she says no, actually. She thinks it was the cream and the frankfurt mixing together.

Shannan’s eating a bunch of burgers and chips with Lara and Leigh. He can’t remember the last time he’s eaten food like that. “No more! Make the bad food go away! Make the bad food go away!”
But they’re not done, oh no! Now it’s time for dessert. Ice cream with chocolate and smarties and ice magic.

Lara and Leigh have been together for three years. Leigh’s a DJ and so they used to get out and do that. Lara’s stopped going recently, even though she loves dancing and loves listening to Leigh DJ. First she was just hiding in a corner but now she won’t go because she can’t wear the other girls wear and everything jiggles if she dances. She loves dancing and wants to be there to support Leigh but she can’t do it anymore.
Leigh’s not walking the club with confidence anymore either he just hides out behind the turntable.
Shannan asks if they think they’re bringing the best out in each other and they both agree they’re not.

Off with The Duncans Tiffiny is waiting for Sarah-Jayne to wake up. It’s 3pm and Tiffiny’s BORED. So eventually she busts into Sarah-Jayne’s room to wake her up. Hawhaw!
Sarah-Jayne’s always been big and now she just eats whatever she wants, whenever she wants.
She usually does her hair and makeup thinking that at least she’ll look good on the top.

Yeah, not so much.

So what’s for breakfast? Creamy pasta. Though Tiffiny says that because it’s 3.30pm it’s more like “Lunchfast”!
I think I kinda love Tiffiny now. Lunchfast is a great word, I use it a lot myself.

So how do we make creamy pasta? Pasta. Carbonara sauce. Sour cream. Regular cream. “Yum! Flavour!” exclaims Sarah-Jayne.
Tiffiny’s horrified, says she’s never had cream like that before.
Give it a stir. And then add some cheese.
Not just one cheese though. Tasty cheese and mozzarella.

Tiffiny can’t even look. As Sarah-Jayne is serving it up – with some bread – Tiffiny is flabbergasted. She has no idea how SJ (BUGGERIT) can eat that much food.
“Tastes good.”
Tiffiny just shakes her head.

Michelle’s going for a ride with Damien in his taxi to all his favourite haunts. Bakeries, biscuits and everything else.
They’re starting the day with chips and cola. And it’s a big packet!
Then to the bakery for some breakfast. Couple of pies and a vanilla custard slice. Michelle is stunned.
Damien comes back with two bags of food, one for him and one for her!

Steve’s out for lunch with Sarah. Fish and chips. Finally, something that isn’t completely terrible. Still not particularly good for you but at least the serving size isn’t too bad for two people…
Sarah didn’t have a home cooked meal for three solid years because her dad was a heroin addict. Only thing her and her brother got to eat as kids was $2 worth of chips. Practically every night. They couldn’t afford fruit and vegetables.
Her Dad used to go to Coles to get lettuce. Oh, not fresh lettuce. The loose leaves from the bins and put them in a bag to keep them going.
Steve looks like he’s having a bit of trouble with that.
As does some random person who walks along behind them as they’re chatting.

Sarah says she didn’t have the right things instilled in her as a kid and thus she still has no idea.

Shannan’s with his Westrens for breakfast. Bacon and eggs. Sharlene’s cooking up an entire pan of bacon and has more beside it. And a whole bunch of eggs. Craig’ll have a bunch of bacon and some eggs. Leigh’ll have bacon and maybe two eggs. Lara likes bacon and eggs, Emma will have some bacon.
Sharlene tries to claim she doesn’t eat any of that, she’ll have a weet bix or a crumpet or something. Shannan thinks she’s in denial, thinking she doesn’t eat anything. Shannan reckons she’s probably eating more than anyone else in the household!
Sharlene says that Shannan thinks she’s making excuses and Shannan says he KNOWS she’s making excuses.

Sharlene says she’s happy to take responsibility for her weight, but maybe it’s been all too much? Or something. Not sure. Shannan interrupts her and asks her to listen to her family for a second. Craig says Sharlene’s losing control. She thought she was in control of everything but she’s not anymore.
No more excuses. Hugs! Shannan’s already hugging one of his girls. Aww!

Jarrod loves his cricket, thinks it’s a sensational sport. Tiffiny asks if he plays and he says he can’t see himself out there right now because he doesn’t have the physical aspect of the game. Too big at the moment.
Guess he’s not seen too many cricketers? Warnie was rarely that fit!
He was teased growing up, for being fat, so he’d stopped exercising and participating in sports.
He was known as “The Sweat King” at school because he’d sweat a lot. Even just from walking to school.
Tiffiny says he’s 23 and he’s too young to give up just yet. She reckons if he gives it a good go in the house he’ll be able to play cricket. She’s hoping she can make that dream come true. Awww!

So the week is up already. Steve says it’s “been an experience”. But now it’s time to walk some steps in his shoes. Which they can’t do without this – *tosses camo bag at the girls*. The bag contains black team shirts. They’re now officially The Black Team!

Michelle passes out pizza boxes… which actually contain Red Team shirts!

Shannan gives out his Blue Team Family shirts.

Tiffiny’s very happy to be the white team. White is a special colour for her, it’s a sacred colour, it’s the colour of warriors! She wants them to come be her weightloss warriors.
Tiff needs them to commit to her, 100%. Part of that commitment starts now.

The first weigh-in is tonight. They’ll all strip down to their underwear and weigh-in in front of their closest friends and family. As Shannan tells his people that, Sharlene says “No!” And Craig says yes. Lara looks a little scared, too.
Sharlene’s not sure she can do it but Craig says of course she can!

But they all slowly come to accept that they’ve got to do this. Everyone knows they’re fat and it’s time to face up to it.

Michelle tells her boys that she’s not trying to hang them out to dry. She’s in their corner. They need to trust the process if they want to move forward.

“So, this is where it starts.”

Wednesday! Weigh-in night in front of friends and families.
Thursday! What damage has a week of bad food and no exercise done to the trainers? “You’re dead!” Exclaims Steve. And the first contest of the year.
Friday is the first challenge. The heaviest challenge ever! They’re each going to have to pull two entire train carriages. And a family feud that will apparently see one family member slam the door on the competition. Already!
Included footage of Sharlene throwing a tantrum and storming out. Still won’t beat the record for quitting!