Another year, another cadre of fatties looking to become less fat for a couple of months and then go on to pimping diet shakes to make ends meet. Won’t somebody think of the children?

Eep! Michelle is talking to me through the television!
Shannan and Michelle start the show by berating us all for being fat smokers who won’t walk up stairs or something.
Then Mr Voiceover Man tells us previous contestants have lost over 2,500kg.

Cue the new fatty montage!

And in amongst it all there’s footage of someone collapsing and being taken away in an ambulance, so that’s a tradition that’s not going away either!

A brand new home leads to brand new faces. Some faux-redhead is shouting about something or other and kicking a heavy punching bag in a dank cellar. Why? I don’t know.
And the Commando returns! Hooray!

Intro plays and of course Shannon Noll’s “Lift” returns… And Sean and Ben look like the biggest bogans ever.

In a break from how the show usually starts we actually begin with Jeda and Jodi (who may collectively be referred to as Jedi) back at home in Casula and heading off to fat camp with all their family seeing them off.
Ramses introduces himself as “Ram” and is appearing with his wife Tania.
Ramses and Tania are tucking into enormous trays of lasagna. Seemingly all to themselves. Tania’s asking Ramses if he really wants more. While he’s on camera for the fat camp show.
Tania’s mother saw Ramses not long before on the hunt for food and asks him why he’s always looking for food!
Ramses and Tania want to see it “all the way through”.

Teresa and Sharif are workmates. Sharif says death doesn’t wait for you, it comes to get you. And he’s embarassed by his weight.
Teresa also seems fairly horrified at her body in the mirror but to be honest she’s pudgy, sure, but it ain’t nothing compared to some of the other folks in the show.

Julie and Meaghan are the next fat cabs off the rank. Meaghan tells her Mum in the mirror to take a good look because she’ll never see that again.
That’s fine, Meaghan, but can we see it again? Please?

Ben and Sean’s motto is “go hard or go home”. Seem to be baseball teammates. Ben’s Dad has had a heart attack and can’t walk or talk anymore.

Holly and Mel are next. Holly was thinner when she was younger and used to call Mel “fat pig” and “whale” but now she wants to stop being a bitch and make it up to her. Awwww!

Tiffany and Bob. Tiffany is the daughter-in-law of Bob. Bob says they have a good relationship like father and daughter which is pretty sweet!

Andrew and Nathan are brothers. Andrew has an interesting haircut. All kinds of swirls and lines cut into it!

Cameron and Samantha (Sammy) get along really well, have the same sense of humour. Cameron says they think the same and eat the same kinds of food, as you can tell! His words!

Stewart and Amanda are the older married couple. They’re looking to give their family a better life. Their kids are really upset to see them go… but Amanda was excited because they’re going to be changing their whole life!

Now we go to Cairns, Queensland. With Ajay, hooray! She’s not in jail with all the lesbians!
She’s standing around on a lovely beach in a fairly bland dress.

Ajay tells them things will be different. Very, very different.
Ajay tells them there can only be one Biggest Loser at the end, sort of foreshadowing a splitting of the couples. Boo!

Their journey will begin in style… on a pretty sweet looking boat!
Bob told Tiffany on the way to the boat that this is where it all starts. Variety of other people have similar thoughts. The word journey may have been mentioned some more.

And in the ad break is Alison Braun pimping the Biggest Loser range of shakes and bars. And looking absolutely stunning in a bathing costume! Hubba-hubba!

Deckhand wanders up on deck of the boat to hand a letter to the fatties. They’re on their way to an island. Biggest Loser will test them and their relationships… and the tests start now!
One person from each couple has to leave the big cushy boat and… row to the island on a little wooden catamaran thingy. A couple of the girls are a little terrified at the thought of water. The brothers “rock off”.
Sammy saves her Dad from having to row by volunteering!

All the canoe-fatties are freaking out a little at how far they have to row. Oh man, you have no idea what you’re in for if you think that’s going to be rough going!

As the boaties head in towards shore there’s a flag fluttering on the beach.

The boatfatties look up the beach after a couple of minutes… Uh-oh, Commando!
And he’s shirtless, ladies. Awwww yeah!

Some of them had guessed that they’d be copping some punishment for taking the “easy” route and they were right, a workout with the Commando is first up!

Meanwhile the canoeist party is rocking and rolling and… puking. Ew. Sammy said she felt bad for the others because they were still rowing while she was throwing up.
Apparently Sammy and her Dad were gaining weight together because they were both fine with it.

Teresa is very impressed by Sammy’s determination as she throws up, keeps rowing, throws up some more, keeps rowing. Me? I’d just be happy to be upwind!

Commando has the boatpeople doing pushups and shifting their luggage bags around the beach. Tania’s falling down all over the place. She’s struggling and wanting to smack the Commando in the mouth.
In an aside Tania admits she doesn’t exercise at all. As if we couldn’t’ve guessed that one by ourselves!
She says neither her nor Ramses will be happy if they leave without losing any weight.
Tania’s aggravating the Commando! More uh-oh!

Another ad break another ex-contestant. This one pimping “FatBlaster”. It’s Marty with his big stupid grin munching on what looks like a chocolate bar and a chocolate thickshake and some sort of candy looking thing. This seems to be a diet that may meet with my approval. I may have to investigate further!

Back from the ads and oh look the Commando is still punishing the boatpeople.
Commando’s giving Andrew a hard time about being 23 and being fat and being a disability support worker, supposedly motivating other people when he can’t get motivated himself?
Apparently his brother Nathan works in the same field.
Andrew says he had a stroke a couple of months ago and his family are too important to him to just kill himself.
The Commando then gives him responsibility to ensure the others keep up in a run up and down the beach.

Commando also says that if they thought today was hard, wait till next time – and there will be a next time!

The fatcanoe finally pulls in to shore while the boatpeople are all lazing around under the trees. One of the sisters goes rushing into the surf and almost gets squashed under the canoe. Oops!
Ramses says his heart sank when Tania told him the Commando had been training them while they were off joyriding in the canoe!

All the contestants then have to hike up a footpath and through a clearing. But the “footpath” is a goat track. Rocky steps and steep hilly areas and up and down and up and down.
Ramses then gets a little frustrated and lifts the “30 kilogram bag” above his head, according to Tania. You think 30kg is impressive? Wait a couple of weeks, ma’am.

They finally reach the resort and get some cool drinks and cloths to wipe down with.

Cut to footage of Shannan and Michelle riding jetskis! Woo!
Shannan says his philosophy is “Hard but fair and play with respect.”
Michelle’s is “No more excuses, no more being a victim and taking responsibility.”

“We’re back, we’re ready to kick butt and take no prisoners!” – Michelle

Wow, the rooms they get to stay in this year? Freaking sweet! Ramses and Tania have a spa bath about 3 paces from their bed. No dividing wall or anything!

Eventually they come out to a common area and find a letter informing them they need to say goodbye to some old friends. Cue much horror!
Have these people not seen the show before? Your old friends are junk foods. They’re going to be piled up on a table in a really unappetising display and maybe you’ll be the first group to not be tempted but it seems unlikely…

Apparently the letter was from Ajay. Who knew she could write?

Ajay has blindfolds for them all. But not to hide her dress from them which is actually quite nice for once!
Tania hates being blindfolded. Poor Ramses.

Ahem.

The time has come to say goodbye to your best friend and your worst enemy, Ajay informs them.

Oh look, it’s mountains of junk food!
Julie’s the first one to think the food looks beautiful. Well, if you don’t include me! Jelly beans! Yummy! Cakes! Hamburgers! Oh man I’m hungry…

Ajay tells them this is their final night of calorie freedom. How they choose to spend it is up to them and their partner.
Sharif says they were all hungry and they wanted to eat quite badly. It was very confronting, food has been their only friend for so long and it was always there for them.

People step up to the table and go to sit down. Sammy’s reluctant, she doesn’t even want to sit in front of it. Her Dad says her Mum has been trying to get all the junk off the menu for a while.
And it’s causing them to grow apart because he won’t go places with her anymore because he looks bad in a suit. And, well, his wife looks hot in a little black dress. You’d think that’d be motivation enough.

Andrew and Nathan are standing strong. Sharif then gets the confidence to stand with them, as does his coupler Teresa.

And eventually they all get back up and stand with Andrew and Nathan and Nathan says he’s proud of them all.

The waiter brings out two platters. With huge steaks on them, which is the favourite of both Andrew and Nathan.
Then more waiters arrive with other favourite foods for the other fatties.
Ben was worried about Sean, but he needn’t’ve been. Sean turns his back with a tear in his eye but stands strong.

Teresa’s struggling when her food comes out. After a few seconds she just takes off. She exits, stage left!
She used to feel like she was resenting herself and that’s why she ate. And her eating was a big reason for her marriage breakup.

Turns out, she wasn’t leaving. She was actually heading off to find a bin! Epic win!
Tania was jealous that she hadn’t thought of the idea.
Teresa gives a little “goodbye to my old life” speech and dumps her food in the bin, with the others following suit. Very motivational stuff and the trainers haven’t even turned up yet!

Another ad break, another ex-winner pimping athletic gear. Adro, this time. At least it’s not shakes and candy.

Julie thinks they’d get to head off now. But no! Two mysterious shadows come walking up the path. It’s Shannan and Michelle. Sadly, not in their wetsuits.
Shannan congratulates them all and says he’s never seen a more united bunch at the start of the show. Saying no to the food that’s been holding them back is a great start!

Shannan says there’s a lot of people in pine boxes wishing they’d not treated their lives like a dress rehearsal.
He’s also excited about working with couples for a change. He says that he and Michelle could be a wedge driving them apart or glue, holding them together.
Amanda says she’s out of control, her whole life. Looking at her I think she’s going to be the record breaking girl. She’s about as wide as Shannan and Michelle put together. I know they’re quite skinny, but it’s still an impressive girth.

Amanda is so scared but Michelle tells her she can do it!

Shannan and Michelle continue down the line chatting to people and getting to know them. Some are perky, some are teary, all seem to be looking forward to it though.

Shannan has a revelation for them all. Tomorrow will be their first weigh-in!
Meaghan’s ready for the dieting and training but the first weigh-in will be the killer for her.

Another ad break, more ex-contestant ads! A repeat of the still-hot Alison ad plus one with last year’s winner Sam touting The Biggest Loser Club, their online club doohicky that generates complaints on the official forums all the time. Hmm.

Nathan is “feeling a lot of emotion, I think.” Shouldn’t you know whether you’re feeling emotion?

Amanda’s ashamed of the size she is.
Sammy says it’ll be difficult telling everyone in Australia her weight.
Everyone is nervous, of course. Expect that to be a recurring theme on weigh-in nights…

Ajay’s in a very nice blue dress. Maybe she got a decent stylist at last?

A lot of very nervous looking fat people, a lot of nervous looking fat people gut shots, too.

Ajay tells them they’ve started the journey as couples and they’ll weigh in as couples. They’ll be standing on the scales together and their weights will be combined. Bah, I want to see the individual weights Ajay!

First cab off the rank: … god damn it, Ajay!

Yes, that’s right, they’re not weighing in until tomorrow. Dangit!

And of course, still to come this week Shannan and Michelle kick booty, Warehouse Island style, Temptation, The Walk and… two of the girls are going to scream at each other. Is there love in the air? I certainly hope so!

And here endeth the first episode of the new season! What did we all think?