Well, after all the talk and all the advertisements and all the annoying songs and…

Let me start over. The new season of The Biggest Loser has begun!

The first episode of the show typically involves a weigh-in, but this time around things have been a little different, mostly due to the large number of contestants.

Want to know what happened? Read on…

“The Biggest Loser starts now…” Only it doesn’t because the Simpsons credits have to finish and there has to be an ad for Dance and the coarse language warning…

And then we’re off!

… to an early start when it comes to repeating shit we’ve seen before! Yes, Mr Voiceover Man narrates as we see Adro and Chris.
We also get told about things being different, more contestants, more weight to lose… the game is on!

“Welcome to hell!” – Commando Steve.

More repeated footage. This time in artsy black and white! And some new footage of people exercising and Shannan and Michelle being totally badass.

We get it. Things are going to happen this season. How about making things actually happen!

“I’m having you for starters!” – Steve again.

And a foreshadowing of Bob and Jillian possibly being involved.

And now finally we get some “real” footage of assorted fatties walking up the road to the ranch… including a scary looking butch chick.

Sean Holbrook, 45. Roof Plumber. Says he’s neglected his body and put on so much weight that he now has diabetes.

Dianne Brooker, 30. She was pretty pudgy when she got married and yet that’s her goal? She says her son only wants one thing from her, being able to play all the time!

JJ, 33, truckie from Adelaide. Most of his life he’s been by himself eating crappy roadhouse food and analysing life. JJ says a beautiful looking woman doesn’t want to be seen with a man his size. It’d clash with her clothes!

Michelle, 20. HUGE BOOBS.

Gary, 32. “I need to be here to lose a lot of weight.” Clearly in the running for genius-of-the-series.

Damien Webb, 36. Cardiac arrest waiting to happen.

Sandy, 36. Overweight because she eats too much.

Bryce, 24, Brisbane.

Sam, 19, uni student. Been overweight since 10. Dad says it’s distressing seeing him at 150kg, his Mum said he should be going out, having girlfriends, etc.

Cosi, 28, radio dude from Adelaide. Says radio is a very unhealthy lifestyle.

Nicole, 23, nurse. Identical twin sister Carrianne. They’re close, live together, work together, Nicole is a bit heavier than Carrianne. Which makes Nicole sad. Aw.

Rachel, 20, the scary chick. LESBIAN. LESBIAN!!! Her girlfriend is worried about her getting diabetes too. Her girlfriend’s name is Jess.

Steven, 29, needs to lose weight for his baby daughter. Says it breaks his mum’s heart to see how big he is.

Alison Hallion, 36. Hotel Manager from SA. Shots of the food she cooks and it’s no wonder she’s huge. Doesn’t want to die at 56 like both her parents did and she doesn’t want her son to go through this.

Everyone is amazed at actually being there, very emotional, etc. Steven says he has the opportunity to be the person he wants to be and to be there for his baby.
Apparently you can’t do those things without The Biggest Loser. Who knew?

Ajay comes strolling out of the house. In yet another unflattering outfit! Hooray, it’s like the show never stopped!

Michelle wants to be the first female winner. Does any female on the show ever not want to be the first female winner?

“Whilst you might have made it through the front gates… you’ve yet to make it through the front door.” Ajay goes on to say there’s 30 people but for some, the journey ends here.
Everyone’s pretty scared and worried.

But it’s now time to fight for their spot. And to help decide who gets to stay and who has to go. Michelle and Shannan!

Looking very stern.

Shannan first, “training is more than just a physical action, it’s a metaphor for life.”
Michelle’s philosophy is taking people to places they’ve never thought possible, and maybe a bit beyond.

Shannan says they usually run up the driveway, but this time they decided to walk up, savour the moment.

Damien’s first thought was how thin Michelle was and how buff Shannan was.

Michelle says they all seemed to be happy, smiles, clearly no idea what they’re in for!

Michelle sets out her training philosophies for everyone. The gates are where people leave their excuses. She is 100% committed to getting them healthier and she expects nothing less from them.
Today they’re going to get real!

Shannan’s Rule #1: Respect.
Don’t let your family down, don’t let your friends down, don’t let Shannan down, because he won’t let you down. But most importantly, don’t let yourself down.

Sean’s very impressed and is convinced they can help.

Oooh, silver platter. I wonder if an ad break is imminent!
Oh hey, Shannan lifts it up and there’s a big white glow under it and we go to an ad break. What a surprise!
I might not have mentioned the ad but… Shannan has an ad for bread! Burgen bread. One of those freaky ones with pumpkin seeds in them. I’d rather get diabetes, thanks Shannan!

Awww, there’s a card for the trainers under the platter. How sweet!
Fatties still nervous.

“It’s time to put,
the thirty to the test,
and help decide the strong,
from the rest.

The trainers decide,
the fate of the show,
at the end of this session,
fifteen must go!”

Dianne is gobsmacked! I know she is because she said so!

Michelle tells them all they have one hour to prove themself.

Cosi said it was wet and cold, they were practically standing in water out on the lawn.

Rachel says her heart dropped, she busted out into sweat and her muscles started aching… before they even started!

“Bugger you, you fat buggers! I’m as fat as any of ya’s, I’m gonna give it a shot because I’ve been fat for 33 years, you’s can all go and get stuffed!” – JJ

Cosi wasn’t kidding, you can really see the water pooling around someone’s fat feet.

“Today there’s going to be blood, sweat, tears and vomit. And we were going to find a way to get all of them!” – Shannan

Michelle said the quality they’re looking for is the people who can just hang on. The people who will just put up and shut up.

Lots of fat people rolling around on the grass. It starts out with them merely being wet with some grass, but in short order the grass is destroyed and they’re all covered in mud.
Sam says he heard people crying, people covered in mud… “disgusting!”

Michelle said she grabbed Debbie right away because she broke into tears right away.
Debbie, 39, single mum. Her whole life has centered around the kids for eleven years. “And it’s time I became important.”
And they show an old photo of her, where she actually has an almost-nice body! She would’ve been young in the 70s and 80s, so she’s got that look to her. So only almost-nice.
She says it only seems like yesterday that she wasn’t overweight but then she woke up and saw a fat woman in the mirror.
Michelle says to her that if she goes through the doors, she has to remember that This. Is. It. Michelle wants her in.

One in, twenty-nine left hanging.

Shannan says you’ve got to be strong, courageous, brave. Shannan heads over to Sean, a really big guy, but he stands proud so he wants to see what he’s made of.
Sean thinks he’s had it, not going to make it in. He says all the little demons popped into his head and started telling him he’s too fat, too old, give up.
Shannan finishes the mini-session with a hundred punches, to see if he was going to break, or make it.
“How much do you want this?” “I want this.” Dude’s got a big heart. He’s in.

Two in, twenty-eight left.

Michelle’s got Nicola up next. She says she’s a very young girl and like a lot of young girls there’s a lot of self-loathing, a lot of sadness.
Nicola says she’s steadily gained weight while growing up, peaking in her teens. In the standard fat-in-a-mirror shot, she gestures from her neck down and says everything below there needs to change. I wouldn’t be too hasty about the boobs, but the rest does need to change.
Michelle screams at her and asks if she wants this and Nicola screams back yes… while doing one of those bridge things.
She’s in.

Three in, twenty-seven left.

Misilei, 35, security guard, is getting angry. He even looks a bit like The Hulk!
He’s getting a bit ticked because other people are getting picked ahead of him.

Shannan sees a bright bubbly face, but as soon as he tries to talk to her on a deeper level, she bursts into tears.
Apparently she’s been teased all her life, a lot by her brother. Monica is her name, she’s a childcare assistant.
She got teased a lot in primary and high schools. Shannan thinks that’s a pretty good fire to motivate her.
She’s in.

Four in, twenty-six left.

John, 44, advertising manager. Getting worried about his chances as more people get selected.

Shannan finds Gary, a huge fella he’d seen while coming up the driveway, he’d stood out to him. Had to be over 200kg.
Shannan asks him what happened, Gary doesn’t know. Starts to break down a little. Shannan says that it takes a big man to bare his soul like Gary does.
He’s in.

Five in, twenty-five left.

Lots more muddy exercising. Cosi’s getting a caning by Shannan.

And then we get a pre-ad tease of “It ain’t over till it’s over.” Could the twist be any more obvious at this point? Sigh.

Halfway through the training session… but they’d been going for an hour Michelle says.
Shannan starts to realise how hard the job was going to be – they’d been going hard for an hour and nobody had broken yet!

Shannan next finds another youngster, Sam, who he has pegged as 17 or 18, but with an enormous frame that isn’t just puppy fat. Shannan says he hasn’t had the time to build up strength and fortitude, which means he’s a blank canvas for Shannan to work with.
Shannan asks him if he’s going to be able to break him, even if he throws everything at him. Sam shouts he can do it.
And he’s in.

Six. Twenty four.

Michelle is psyching up the rest of them, asking if anyone is ready to break, ready to burst into tears.
She gets interrupted by JJ telling everyone they’ve got to give it their best shot, get fit, motivated and into it! “Shut up!” Someone calls out.
Michelle takes him aside next. She thinks he thinks he’s still on holiday, not taking it as seriously as he should be.
She grills him, married? No. Girlfriend? No.
Michelle can tell he’s fit and to be honest, he doesn’t really look that fat. Maybe there’s a lot hiding under the loose shirt.
Michelle starts to really cane him and he starts to crumble a bit. Michelle asks him why she should pick him and he doesn’t know. She pushes and he says he’s got potential, he’s got heart and she’s exactly what he needs in his life right now. And he’s a good person. He threw that in there somewhere.
She says she needs to believe in him. She says in an aside that he needed to see it was a hard decision.
He’s in.

Seven.

Getting dirtier and muddier.

Kirsten, 32, school teacher. Trying to stay positive, doing everything she could to show she could do it.
She’s the scary blond drooling everywhere on the ad while Shannan shouts in her face.
She’s an ex-water polo player for Australia apparently. She still coaches nowadays.
She’s wanting to get married and have kids and have her dad walk her down the aisle. It’s everything to her.
She’s in.

Eight.

Scary lesbian Rachel works out with Michelle next. She wants to be able to shop where every other 20 year old shops. Michelle is boggling at her being in the state she’s in at her age.
She’s in.

Nine.

Cosi is face down in the mud. He wasn’t going to not do anything Shannan asked of him.
He has a fiance, one kid and they’re trying for another.
Shannan said Cosi looked him right in the eye and told him he’d do it.
He’s in.

Ten.

Shannan finds another fatty to chat to. He keeps crunching but Shannan tells him to stop and talk to him.
Michael Sandford from Orange. He’s afraid he’s a coward, when things get hard, he quits. Tells Shannan it hasn’t always been like that though.
He played rep footy then spent a year in America, came home overweight.
His younger brother says Michael is his favourite brother, he always looked up to him.
Michael says every time he gets an opportunity he takes the easy way out and he hates himself for it.
Shannan says he can put him in or put him out. Michael says he’ll give him everything back.
He’s in.

Eleven.

And another tease with the non-selected folk walking down a road as hummers come round the corner…

Steven’s on with his huge hair, saying they’d done about two hours of training.

Sheridan, 26, Teacher. Thinks she deserves a spot a lot more than some of the others who hadn’t been going as long, such as the people who’d already been selected.
Michelle takes her aside. Sheridan looks like crap and Michelle says as much.
She says she blames her weight for not having a partner and at 26 she thinks it’s pretty sad to not have had a serious partner.
She’s in.

Twelve.

Three places left and Michelle says it’s getting real hard.
Another Alison, 34, mum of three, but she has a hubby at least.
She’s doing kicking exercises with Michelle and Michelle is very impressed.
“Can you do this for four months?” “I can do this forever!”
She’s in.

Thirteen.

Two spots left. Ouch.
Steven hasn’t been selected yet, I’m tipping him!
Bryce is one of the people going home. Michelle tells him he can do it at home, she knows he can.
Then she comes up to Steven… and tells him he’s going home! D’oh!

Damien and John both get called forward at the same time, both very concerned.
Damien was “absolutely buggered”! Heh. Damien has a nine year old daughter and Michelle says his daughter needs a role model. But John has had heart problems in the past, struggled with his weight and health.
Glad I don’t have to choose.
Damien’s going home. John’s in.

Fourteen.

Last slot is for a lady. Dianne said she’d worked bloody hard and felt she deserved it.
Shannan goes down the line and says to the second chick that her journey continues… but not here. MEAN! Her little face lit up and everything. So, so mean.
Dianne gets let down next. But he’s sure she can do it at home.

The twins are asked to come forward as one. Shannan says one of them has to come in. Between the three of them, they were going to decide which one.
Surely the fatter one has to be it?
One of them says unless you’re a twin you can’t really understand the connection, they do everything together, best friends, etc.

Carrianne says that she knows she can do it in the house, but Nicole needs it more than her. They’re both in tears, Nicole accepts it and says she’ll do it for her sister. Quite a few people, including Sean, are tearing up.

Nicole says she needs to do it for both of them.

Shannan says it was very hard to say goodbye to everyone but he had a good feeling in his guts.
Michelle points out that the destination is the same place. And that they’ll still be competing, with the help of The Biggest Loser Club.
The fifteen compete-at-home peoples are eligible for $10,000. There’ll still be weigh-ins and photos and they’ll all still get to go to the finale.
“Coming to the finale, a whole lot slimmer!” – Michelle

The also-rans distribute hugs and good wishes.

Shannan says the ball is in their court now, they’ll get the help they need and they can turn their lives around.

After another ad break the dirty filthy fatties enter the house to have a look around. And they all get one phone call home. Nice!

The rejects head off down the driveway. Michelle is devastated. She’s 20 and a hairdresser.
Bryce says it had started to sink in that they weren’t going to be doing what they thought.
And then a couple of Hummers roll around the corner and everyone is all, OH MY GAWD!

“He just looked like pain!”

Commando Steve is back! Yeah baby!
He informs us that last season he was the trainer for the outsider teams, the biggest twist. This time around he’s involved in the biggest twist the show has ever seen!

“Where do you think you’re going? It ain’t over yet! It’s only just begun. GET IN.”

Teaser for the next ep – “Welcome to hell.”

They’re being given one final chance to get into the house, so it seems maybe not all of them will make it. Perhaps enough to even out the teams inside the house? Who knows.
Also a bit from The Walk with Ajay saying “You get to eliminate one person from the game, forever.” So it seems they have not learnt from last season, as we had all speculated.
They also show a shot of the white shirted fatties wandering into the Warehouse.

And Bob pops up, “Hey White House! Get Ready!”

And here endeth the first episode. No Weigh-in? Boo! Boooo I say!

Tune in again tomorrow night!