First show of the season is invariably the initial weigh-in and sorting of people into teams and so on. Who will be part of Bob’s Blues? Who will be in Jillian’s Reds? How many people will cry during the weigh-in, how many times will they cry and how many long close-ups will we have to endure?

And have they finally dropped the terribly inappropriate music they play while contestants step up to the plate? You know the one, heavy bass beat while the camera focuses a little too much on their feet?

Tune in at 7.30pm and find out!

The rest of the first episode recap will be hidden from plain sight to protect people from spoilers, if they wish. Click the “continue reading” link below to see the rest of this post…

(Recap is now complete!)

The recap starts…. now:

Courtney claiming he has bigger breasts than some girls he knows? Yeah, how many of them are that hairy though mate? I don’t think anyone is going to mistake them for anything but manboobs! And they’re not even that big.

First five minutes seems to just be the preview clip that was up on the website? Kinda weak way to start the show, so much for that preview being “exclusive”…!

Jillian is definitely going to get Greg to shave that beard off. It’s going to be great!

Damien, aka Dr Elephant, is about the same size as David from last season… But he looks like hell, even compared to Dave. I think it’s the way he has rolls of fat, whereas Dave was really just sort of a blob.

Does it seem to anyone else that there’s a lot of divorced folks and otherwise seperated people and so on? Last season there was quite a few happily married or attached folks on the show, with winner Adro not only being married, but having a skinny, rather hot, wife. I wonder if Jillian’s influence is being felt there, as she’s said she wants to get more into the “life coach” side of things, to try and help people with their personal problems, as well as their weight.

Gerard seems to be the one who was in the preview clips wanting to quit? Surely he won’t though, his kids are of an age where they’d give him such hell for it?

Jules’ story is heartbreaking. Not only is she having to look after a kid with Down’s Syndrome, he also got leukemia… And her husband died? Good lord, that is one big bundle of suck right there. I really hope she gets a lot out of the show, even though she obviously won’t win. Girls never do!

Wow, Ajay is looking great! I don’t think she’s lost any weight during the off season or anything, she’s just looking real hot. Perhaps it’s the hairdo?

Still just $200,000 for the prize? That’s a shame. It would’ve been nice for it to have increased this year.

Four gyms to train in? Okay, that’s interesting. Two original trainers plus two new trainers equals four gyms?

(First Ad Break)

Ooooh, secret location? Ooooh. And they’re being taken in black vans, not limo’s or anything? Lame! They’re so going to drive around the block and come back to the house. *snicker*

Wow, the new food room is totally awesome! I shudder to think how bad for you the “hot food” would be, since it probably wasn’t hot anymore. Bacteria heaven!

And not surprisingly, they’re all gorging themselves, just as past competitors have done.

Marshmellows on sticks! AWESOME! Best invention ever.

You’re kidding, they’re having an eating competition? Sorry, remind me, how did these people get fat? I’m not sure I understand…

Ahhhh, excellent, giant plasma screen to show them what they look like while gorging themselves! Well done!

(Second ad break)

Initial weigh-in time! A lot of very scared looking folk up there on the platforms…

Confirmed, confirmed, we have tears people, we have tears! One fatty down and we already have tears!

Sarah – 153.3kg

Alex – 155.2kg

Kelly – 117.1kg

And yes, we have more tears! With added hand-waving in front of the eyes.

Marty – 160.6kg

As Marty was walking up he brought up a good point – it must be hard to find a set of scales that will weigh you once you get that big. Surely that ought to be a sign that you need to do something, though? (Oh and he verged on crying, as well!)

Pati – 120.2kg

(Third ad break)

Gerard – 133.5kg

Wow, sexist misogynistic bastard, hooray! Women are only good for cleaning toilets and cooking food? It’s true, but you shouldn’t say it on national television you fool!

Munnalita – 127.3kg

Lots of tears, reiteration of sob story, closeups of Greg rubbing tears from his eyes, ditto Alex… winner!

Michael – 165.2kg

Mel -108.4kg

Courtney -139.2kg

What, no tears from the gay guy? Seriously?

Sam – 128kg

Congratulations for being the first round number, Sam!

Greg – 148.8kg

Jules – 126.5kg

BA-BA-BUMMMMMMMMMMM! Damien’s turn… after the ad break, dammit!

(Fourth ad break)

Damien – 216.3kg

Sweet mother of god. That’s really scary. By far the biggest person ever to be on the show so I really hope he doesn’t go out as soon as some of the other really large folks have before. I really think he’s a great argument for changing the system of sending people off the show. Voting adds drama but it’s not helping the contestants as much as they need.

Combined starting weight of 2000kg. 1999.6kg, actually. But wow. Two tonne. For fourteen people!

Some strange choices for dream outfits. A yellow top? Really? And Mel’s dream outfit is a bikini? Woohoo! Bring it on!

(Fifth ad break)

Alex has a sleep apnea treatment machine which makes a bit of noise, apparently, so he’s going to share a room with Marty, who snores rather loudly. Should be fun!

Damien just pointed out that the gap between him as the heaviest person and the second heaviest… is fifty kilograms. That’s kind of disturbing.

And as we go to break it becomes obvious that the two trainers running towards the fatties are not Bob & Jillian as expected, but presumably Michelle and Shannan instead. I’m sure they’re going to be real happy with the heavy disappointment on everyone’s faces!

(Sixth ad break)

Michelle is all about integrity and intensity? Wanker. I mean, wow, how deep and meaningful, thanks Michelle! *rolls eyes*

Nice booty, though.

Ha! Ten pushups, right off the bat! Good stuff, you’ve won me back, Michelle!

Everyone with kids is doing it for their kids. Can we move on? It’s the same every time. No one is ever doing it not for their kids, so you don’t need to ask!

What a surprise, first two girls picked the “hot new guy” trainer. Then I guess Pati felt bad for Michelle… Then back to Shannan again!

Munnalita picked Michelle because she didn’t want to be on the same team as Kelly? There’s a great reason!

So we have:

Michelle’s Team: Pati, Munnalita, Courtney, Greg, Sarah, Alex, Marty.

Shannan’s Team: Mel, Kelly, Jules, Sam, Gerard, Michael, Damien.

(Seventh ad break)

Bob & Jillian are heeeeeeeeeere! And everyone is happy! Hooray!

And Bob is stoked at the having them choose their trainers… and now Bob & Jill get to pick their team from there? Funny stuff!

(The end!)

In the “Next time on…” you see the teams facing off for their next weigh-in, with each team in their respective colour tanks. Which ruins any “surprise” you may get from the cliffhanger bit of Bob throwing his shirt up at the end of the episode proper.

Blue team Bob/Shannan: Mel, Kelly, Jules, Sam, Gerard, Michael, Damien.

Red team Jillian/Michelle: Pati, Munnalita, Courtney, Greg, Sarah, Alex, Marty

So it’s girls vs boys, in terms of trainers. I’m not at all surprised Bob picked the Blue team – Damien’s got to be a good bet to win, if he can manage to survive “the game”. Being so heavy he’s a prime candidate to get voted out in a hurry, since he has so much more weight to lose than anyone else and if there’s one thing past seasons have proven, it’s that having a high starting weight is a big advantage.

As far as the new trainers go, they seem to be Australian clones of Bob & Jillian and I suspect that that is the entire idea. Sadly, they’re not Bob & Jillian so I’m not sure that that strategy is going to work.

They seem nice enough though so it should be interesting to see how they go as the series progresses.

But it was good to see Bob & Jillian back. Can’t wait till they’re back and kicking ass tomorrow night, it should be great!

Here endeth the recap. If you have any comments on the show or suggestions for the next recap, feel free to leave them below!

[ratings]